Greetings from Oxford, United Kingdom
I am so tired that I slept so much when I arrived here
I don't have energy to go out ...
Here is so much colder compared to türkiye ...
Spending my New Years eve and new year here
When new year comes.. A resolution is commonly made and was never achieved
I don't hope for anything except for happiness
I have to let go of things that make me unhappy even if I love them a lot
With all the negativity around me,I have to remain positive to stay happy
If he don't appreciate my effort, I don't think he deserve anything from me anymore
I just want to tell you that I never regret what I had done for you in the past
Also,if you ever start a new relationship with someone else,
Don't commit the same mistake you have did to me
Don't ever lose her like how you lose me
If you ever make her angry, don't ...dont don't let her wait for you to fix your shit up because no,you make things worse for her as she gets more depressed day by day
Maybe you don't have to listen because you will find someone better than me because I'm too possessive,gets jealous easily........
I am all worn out ..
I deserve something more better in life
I have to move on ,I have to fight for myself
You can continue to ignore me
Until the end,I still have to pour out my effort
But never mind
Goodbye 2014, goodbye to you
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Hi
Greetings from Istanbul,Türkiye.
i lost my phone in the airplane
I don't know how it happened but it did
No whatsapp no sms
//
Suppose to be sleeping but I have million thoughts in my mind and i just have to convey it all out
Turkey is a beautiful country ..
I love Pamukkale and Kapadokya the most!
Will share more when I come back...
......
These few days,I'm breaking out my boundaries and limits
No more becoming a loyal girl to her one and only love,
Just being herself again
An outgoing person who loves meeting new people ..
For so many years,
I had restricted myself to do things that seems to near betrayal or not loyal to him
I avoid anything that brings me to a situation that I have to interact with boys
But this trip..not anymore.
Why I am doing this?
Because he did,so why can't i?
Why I want to restrict myself when perhaps he's okay with me being not that conservative?
Because I hate it so much when a guy does that to me
In this trip,
I learned to hug guys,show affection to guys and doing appropriate skinship
it felt so great..
But no..I'm not interested in them
It was fun when he touched my face because he wanted to hear me scream out of coldness
And when I touched his face,I felt warm and comfortable
It felt good when the weather was cold and we were all having group hug in the middle of the path
When I am sleepy, I can lean on his back and close my eyes ....
Pushing each other in the bus ..
Having a little girl sleeping on my lap,my arms and literally everywhere she can around my body
Laughing out loud together till people telling us to shut up...
Taking weird photos together ...
Playing scary games together
Dancing together in the streets like mad people
Like a couple but no
I just felt like I needed love and someone could give me something similar
I just openly accept any kind of warm interactions.....
You know what,
I've never done this with someone i really adore the most
It's funny and weird at the same time right?
He doesn't like taking photos..
He's shy and not outgoing
He can't give me as much attention like how other boys can
Maybe he can,maybe he could
I've always..always..wanted to travel with him
Doing all my first time with him...
I also wanted to be a part of all of his first moments
Unfortunately..
I'm not the first one to travel with him without parents and teacher's guidance
I lost hope but it's okay
I won't be that possessive anymore because I'm sure, all of my first moments won't be having any of his participation in it
Again,
Like I say,
I will not show any interest in younger boys because I can only see them as cute little boys that I should protect and not mature enough for my taste
This trip, is actually very very very good
My parents gave me full freedom for walking alone and experiencing every little tiny things I can experience
Maybe because of that,I feel like a loner
But then I have travel buddies ... Everything is so different
I want to say,
I love them all very much and thank you for making this a memorable trip for me.
Friday, December 19, 2014
-
Friday
10am in the morning.
I'm feeling awake
I kept reminding myself not to cry for the same man over and over again
I'm still young
If it's a mistake,I should let it go and try again
Slept with millions of thoughts,woke up with millions of thoughts
Today,I thought of it again when I woke up
You said you still like me
But the truth is
You don't anymore
I will accept it calmly
If you like someone
You will still care
You won't ignore
And you will just be like other guys
Never stop proving your affectionate side to your girl
Keeping her calm and happy
Not to have tears dripping down from her eyes
Just admit it and say it out loud and clear that
You don't have feelings for me anymore
Or you are disgusted by the way i stir things up just because you went for a trip and you are not initiative enough and you bloody hell treated me like how you treat other girls making me feeling so insecure and not special at all
When I see other people same age as us having a relationship,
I told myself not to compare because our happiness can be found in different ways than other people
But as time comes,
Burden accumulates on me
I have reached the limits of compromising and acting like it's okay for you to do all those things
Despite of many times I have confronted you about it
You seems to never learn,don't care or maybe it just runs in your blood that you ant change it anymore
When I see other people showering love with each other,
I imagined that could be us too
But the reality I knew was
A girl trying hard to get attention from her boyfriend who constantly keeps quiet and playing his phone
A girl who who is satisfied even just a small kiss from her boyfriend or maybe one single look from him
As if making that girl an annoying bitch who clings around her boyfriend who doesn't have feeLings for her anymore
I could have ended everything so much earlier or before
But
I still love you so much
I couldn't do that
Because I still do
I did things that not a girl would have done
I tolerate,compromise every single inch of you unlike any other girls
However
If you eat a piece of rotten apple everyday
You will get sick ....
I think I'm sick
If you still have feelings for me
The person who text you first isn't me anymore
It was suppose to be the other way round
You wouldn't say time would cure
Because to me,time wouldn't cure because we haven't ended yet
Why would time cure when there's someone that can cure faster and more effectively?
Everyday you will try to talk to me
But why is it...the other way round?
You told me you will meet me today
But you forgotten you don't care you made a fool out of me
I am so dumb and stupid to still care about an unrequited love right?
It's either you end this by saying you don't like me anymore
Or you stop hurting me
There's no such thing as you still have feelings for me but you don't talk to me you ignore me you tell me to wait
10am in the morning.
I'm feeling awake
I kept reminding myself not to cry for the same man over and over again
I'm still young
If it's a mistake,I should let it go and try again
Slept with millions of thoughts,woke up with millions of thoughts
Today,I thought of it again when I woke up
You said you still like me
But the truth is
You don't anymore
I will accept it calmly
If you like someone
You will still care
You won't ignore
And you will just be like other guys
Never stop proving your affectionate side to your girl
Keeping her calm and happy
Not to have tears dripping down from her eyes
Just admit it and say it out loud and clear that
You don't have feelings for me anymore
Or you are disgusted by the way i stir things up just because you went for a trip and you are not initiative enough and you bloody hell treated me like how you treat other girls making me feeling so insecure and not special at all
When I see other people same age as us having a relationship,
I told myself not to compare because our happiness can be found in different ways than other people
But as time comes,
Burden accumulates on me
I have reached the limits of compromising and acting like it's okay for you to do all those things
Despite of many times I have confronted you about it
You seems to never learn,don't care or maybe it just runs in your blood that you ant change it anymore
When I see other people showering love with each other,
I imagined that could be us too
But the reality I knew was
A girl trying hard to get attention from her boyfriend who constantly keeps quiet and playing his phone
A girl who who is satisfied even just a small kiss from her boyfriend or maybe one single look from him
As if making that girl an annoying bitch who clings around her boyfriend who doesn't have feeLings for her anymore
I could have ended everything so much earlier or before
But
I still love you so much
I couldn't do that
Because I still do
I did things that not a girl would have done
I tolerate,compromise every single inch of you unlike any other girls
However
If you eat a piece of rotten apple everyday
You will get sick ....
I think I'm sick
If you still have feelings for me
The person who text you first isn't me anymore
It was suppose to be the other way round
You wouldn't say time would cure
Because to me,time wouldn't cure because we haven't ended yet
Why would time cure when there's someone that can cure faster and more effectively?
Everyday you will try to talk to me
But why is it...the other way round?
You told me you will meet me today
But you forgotten you don't care you made a fool out of me
I am so dumb and stupid to still care about an unrequited love right?
It's either you end this by saying you don't like me anymore
Or you stop hurting me
There's no such thing as you still have feelings for me but you don't talk to me you ignore me you tell me to wait
:-)
it's Friday 2am in the morning and I'm still not asleep yet....
Million of thoughts in my mind but I'm unable to convey it
Night like this fears me
Depression slowly eats up my light soul
I'm able to sleep but I'm reluctant to.
Because I'll always wait
Waiting for my soul to be repaired,from pieces to a brand new form
no matter it's from home or love's root
I'm feeling pressured
As if the whole world is on my shoulders
I can feel every gram of the weight pressing on me
If God is willing to grant me a one day peace in my nest wish,
I will be thankful for it
To be able to change my breadwinner's temper
My wish will be easier to fulfill
If God is willing to guide me the way for a better love life,
I promise I will educate our future kids to be an angel
When they start to fight and yell,
I feel small
When he starts to ignore me,
I feel like my heart is ripping
The results will always be the same
Day by day,
A crack of my heart becomes a hole
I started to silent myself and find pleasure from entertainment
I think of Him and speak out my worries and concerns to Him
That is the least I can do for myself.
i had done my best
I tried to enlighten the mood
I tried talking to you
I tried...at least I tried
At least I did something that no one wanted to do it first
The problem is
I'm the only one who wanted to fix everything back
No one...no one wants to fix it with me
I thought we are a family,we are committed in a relationship
I guess nothing last forever and
With only one effort,nothing's gonna work
Man proposes God disposes
I tried my best
And now everything is left for God to decide
Anything that happen ,I shall accept and face it
Until the end
All that left was only me walking alone on the route
I shall live on
So my efforts are not wasted thus appreciated and utilized
Million of thoughts in my mind but I'm unable to convey it
Night like this fears me
Depression slowly eats up my light soul
I'm able to sleep but I'm reluctant to.
Because I'll always wait
Waiting for my soul to be repaired,from pieces to a brand new form
no matter it's from home or love's root
I'm feeling pressured
As if the whole world is on my shoulders
I can feel every gram of the weight pressing on me
If God is willing to grant me a one day peace in my nest wish,
I will be thankful for it
To be able to change my breadwinner's temper
My wish will be easier to fulfill
If God is willing to guide me the way for a better love life,
I promise I will educate our future kids to be an angel
When they start to fight and yell,
I feel small
When he starts to ignore me,
I feel like my heart is ripping
The results will always be the same
Day by day,
A crack of my heart becomes a hole
I started to silent myself and find pleasure from entertainment
I think of Him and speak out my worries and concerns to Him
That is the least I can do for myself.
i had done my best
I tried to enlighten the mood
I tried talking to you
I tried...at least I tried
At least I did something that no one wanted to do it first
The problem is
I'm the only one who wanted to fix everything back
No one...no one wants to fix it with me
I thought we are a family,we are committed in a relationship
I guess nothing last forever and
With only one effort,nothing's gonna work
Man proposes God disposes
I tried my best
And now everything is left for God to decide
Anything that happen ,I shall accept and face it
Until the end
All that left was only me walking alone on the route
I shall live on
So my efforts are not wasted thus appreciated and utilized
Monday, December 15, 2014
wait...
wait...
wait........
WAIT?
how about you go and tell a cancer patient to wait for another decade to do his chemotherapy treatment?
how about you go and tell your parents to wait till they get old so you can start to be a filial son?
how about you go and tell the kids to wait till they grow up so you can start teaching them to walk and talk?
how about you wait till the fire burns down the whole house only you start to dial for the fire brigade?
how about you wait till my feelings are all gone so you can start to fix things at YOUR RIGHT TIME?
you say you still have feelings for me
you say you wanna fix things
you say you want to find the right time
until now..
you are still so selfish
.............
i am so ..so ..so ...extremely.... dumb to actually still care about you at this time
i am still thinking .. what were you doing right now...how were you ... have you taken your meals..and etc etc etc
i've never been this irrational
people say love is blind
yea i'm blind
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
..........
why do you still want me to suffer till your right time comes?
do you not care about my feelings anymore?
no , maybe you don't
but still
why you do want to make yourself suffer too?
my father taught me,
when a problem arise, a solution needs to be taken quick,fast and accurate to avoid the problem from becoming bad to worse.
i don't see the point waiting for YOUR right time now
when YOUR right time comes,it might not be my right time anymore
why ....
to be honest, i want this to be fixed quickly before i leave
but you........
yeah.
you're just another selfish bastard
you still want things to go your way?
fine
if you want everything to go your way,fine,you go yours and i'll go mine.
we wont cross roads because we deal things differently
..................
i've swallowed my pride
asking you if you want to fix things
i've never seen..never seen someone who asked someone who was doing wrong to fix things
and this is happening to us.
wasn't it suppose to be YOU saying you wanna fix things ,you want us to be back to normal?
no
why am i the one pouring efforts AGAIN?!?!!?!!?!
I'MSOPISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i swallowed my pride
it's like i'm begging you to actually fix things so that I CAN FORGIVE YOU AND BACK TO HOW WE USED TO BE
I FUCKING SWALLOWED MY PRIDE AND YOU ... just played with it
i .. silent myself from you for a few days
hoping you still care about me
but no
you did not
you
didn't
even
care
to
send
a
message
and
yet
you
say
you
still
like
me
.......
i'm so fucking pissed off that my eyes are so dry it won't cry for you anymore
YOU SAY YOU LIKE ME AND THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT ME?
fine
i stopped this whole cold treatment thing by sending you a message
and guess what?
i swallowed my pride again
asking you to fix things before i leave
actually more like begging you to ask me out so that we can both solve this thing
and guess what
i swallowed my pride
and what i got from you?
WAIT.
today i might live,tomorrow i might not..
just how long you want me to wait? .....
when i get on that plane,
i entrusted my life to the pilot's hands
with all those missing plane,plane crashed happening this year..
i'm scared i might never get to see you again
you might think this is rubbish
but no ...everything is possible
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
if you wonder why i blocked you on twitter
because i'm afraid every single tweet of mine will stab you right into your heart
i like to express every single thing i feel at that current moment in twitter
you say you get notification when i tweet
why would i want to ruin your mood with my tweet
it's best if you don't see my tweet
and also,
all the tweets you favourite are visible
those people who favourite your tweets are also visible
stab stab stab right through my heart.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
i hate myself so much for having this kind of personality,
jealous easily,fucking possessive.....
i know both of these will ruin any kind of relationship
i've tried...tried so hard to change it
but no, i just can't as if it runs in my blood and i can only make them disappear if i disappear too
i'm sorry, jun xian
because of my bad traits,
i will always..always...always create problems for you
i will hurt you endlessly
but
you know what
it hurts me ten times as much as i hurt you
because other than your family, no one loves you as much as i do
bye
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
!!!!!!!!!!
you finally board that train
you exchanged it with my happiness
you still don't understand
you never will
......
you don't act so smart like you know everything about me
i don't like it not because i'm jealous,not because i'm afraid you will flirt
dumb ass don't jump to conclusion when you don't even know how i feel
you know what?
because you assume i'll feel this way,i'll feel that way
but the truth is i feel nothing the same as what you think
_______________________________________________________
after this whole thing,
you will finally suffer as much as i do
i finished my suffering,
now its your turn
i'm returning every pain,every tears you gave me back to you,10 times worse.
!!!!!!!
don't say you don't want separation
give me freedom let me free.
relationship is a matter of 2, not 1.
if you don't want doesn't means i don't want too.
you want something, but you don't want to work for it
when things don't work,you still sit there shaking your legs crossing your arms.
no.
it won't work anymore
things are not going to work your way anymore!!!!!!!!
you picked that trip, i'll pick another guy.
i'll make you regret
you finally board that train
you exchanged it with my happiness
you still don't understand
you never will
......
you don't act so smart like you know everything about me
i don't like it not because i'm jealous,not because i'm afraid you will flirt
dumb ass don't jump to conclusion when you don't even know how i feel
you know what?
because you assume i'll feel this way,i'll feel that way
but the truth is i feel nothing the same as what you think
_______________________________________________________
after this whole thing,
you will finally suffer as much as i do
i finished my suffering,
now its your turn
i'm returning every pain,every tears you gave me back to you,10 times worse.
!!!!!!!
don't say you don't want separation
give me freedom let me free.
relationship is a matter of 2, not 1.
if you don't want doesn't means i don't want too.
you want something, but you don't want to work for it
when things don't work,you still sit there shaking your legs crossing your arms.
no.
it won't work anymore
things are not going to work your way anymore!!!!!!!!
you picked that trip, i'll pick another guy.
i'll make you regret
December love.
december has come
i welcomed it with open hands
hoping it will give me blessings,happiness and love
because to me,
December is a month for us to spread love and express gratitude
you know what?
i thought december would be a disaster for me
but no, i feel ease, i feel relieved, i feel thankful
to be near to God, to be loved by family and friends,
still able to give love, still able to express gratitude
december is a month of winter season,
with snow , with coldness
i think that will make me feel nice
..................
i welcomed it with open hands
hoping it will give me blessings,happiness and love
because to me,
December is a month for us to spread love and express gratitude
you know what?
i thought december would be a disaster for me
but no, i feel ease, i feel relieved, i feel thankful
to be near to God, to be loved by family and friends,
still able to give love, still able to express gratitude
december is a month of winter season,
with snow , with coldness
i think that will make me feel nice
..................
Saturday, November 29, 2014
end
why am I here again?
i feel so sad
i've been crying every night
a part of me wanted to leave, a part of me wanted to stay
i'm in a state of confusion
where lights don't guide me to where I want to go
where dark don't give out the feeling of fear to me anymore
but i'm slowly,getting used to it.
i don't think of you as frequent as last time
i don't wanna stick with you anymore
do you know what it means?
my heart is slowly getting colder .......
and i'm getting even more depressed.
=====================
you know shit happened when you cry over a marriage
i did
this morning.
neighbour getting married and all the honks... got me crying again
not because its touching , its because ...............
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
i was so near,so near in ending it.
you never seemed to make an effort,why should I?
you only care about what is going to happen,what am I going to do,what I eat, where I go...
do you even know there are more important things going on?
of course you don't
maybe you know,
but just that you don't care anymore
i prefer questions like,
how are you feeling today?
are you feeling happy?
are you feeling sad?
why are you sad?
why are you angry?
what can i do to make you happy again?
no.
fuck this relationship
i'm ending this once and for all.
i feel so sad
i've been crying every night
a part of me wanted to leave, a part of me wanted to stay
i'm in a state of confusion
where lights don't guide me to where I want to go
where dark don't give out the feeling of fear to me anymore
but i'm slowly,getting used to it.
i don't think of you as frequent as last time
i don't wanna stick with you anymore
do you know what it means?
my heart is slowly getting colder .......
and i'm getting even more depressed.
=====================
you know shit happened when you cry over a marriage
i did
this morning.
neighbour getting married and all the honks... got me crying again
not because its touching , its because ...............
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
i was so near,so near in ending it.
you never seemed to make an effort,why should I?
you only care about what is going to happen,what am I going to do,what I eat, where I go...
do you even know there are more important things going on?
of course you don't
maybe you know,
but just that you don't care anymore
i prefer questions like,
how are you feeling today?
are you feeling happy?
are you feeling sad?
why are you sad?
why are you angry?
what can i do to make you happy again?
no.
fuck this relationship
i'm ending this once and for all.
Thursday, November 27, 2014
hi
hi
i'm here to update again
song of the day :
.................
the more I hold on to this relationship, the more I'm feeling unhappy.
the reason why i'm still holding on to it, it's because the efforts I've made for these past few years,the happy moments we've been through together and of course, the sad and tears we've suffered together.
day by day it passes by, my feeling became lesser and lesser and it might actually completely vanish in thin air by..next year?
i'm getting so tired
i'm so tired of you
are you even listening?
i'm getting tired of you
are you there to listen to my words?
......................
we've started too young, then we'll end young too?
i don't know what to say, i'll just say i'm so fucking tired of you, so fucking tired
i don't know how to put my thoughts into words
my disappointment is beyond words
YOU,
if you don't start putting pieces back together, i am giving up us.
i'm serious because i don't joke this kind of things
you never change ,don't you?
after so many years, do you not understand what kind of person am I?
I DOUBT.
you know me so well ........ but
we don't match well
you fucking tell me you know who am I but so what?
you know i hate it,so what?
you know i like attention so what?
have you ever try adjusting? NOPE
you know i was jealous, you don't give a fuck
you know i hate it, you went and do it
you know i like attention, you don't give it.
this is the exact kind of person you are
because you know i love you a lot,
because you know i will forgive you every time you try to stir shit things up,
because you know i don't have the courage to leave you alone,
so you took advantage of my feelings to you
to do more shit things to me.
no.
STOP
you're such a fucking moron
never mind
i will just let my feelings fade away
and good bye to you.
i'm here to update again
song of the day :
.................
the more I hold on to this relationship, the more I'm feeling unhappy.
the reason why i'm still holding on to it, it's because the efforts I've made for these past few years,the happy moments we've been through together and of course, the sad and tears we've suffered together.
day by day it passes by, my feeling became lesser and lesser and it might actually completely vanish in thin air by..next year?
i'm getting so tired
i'm so tired of you
are you even listening?
i'm getting tired of you
are you there to listen to my words?
......................
we've started too young, then we'll end young too?
i don't know what to say, i'll just say i'm so fucking tired of you, so fucking tired
i don't know how to put my thoughts into words
my disappointment is beyond words
YOU,
if you don't start putting pieces back together, i am giving up us.
i'm serious because i don't joke this kind of things
you never change ,don't you?
after so many years, do you not understand what kind of person am I?
I DOUBT.
you know me so well ........ but
we don't match well
you fucking tell me you know who am I but so what?
you know i hate it,so what?
you know i like attention so what?
have you ever try adjusting? NOPE
you know i was jealous, you don't give a fuck
you know i hate it, you went and do it
you know i like attention, you don't give it.
this is the exact kind of person you are
because you know i love you a lot,
because you know i will forgive you every time you try to stir shit things up,
because you know i don't have the courage to leave you alone,
so you took advantage of my feelings to you
to do more shit things to me.
no.
STOP
you're such a fucking moron
never mind
i will just let my feelings fade away
and good bye to you.
27/11/2014
spm is fucking over.
a sense of ease and relief!
thank you God for Your guidance so that I am able to be in a 100% perfect condition to sit for SPM.
I would like to express my gratitude to all teachers who have taught me or not taught me from form 1 to form 5 who are dedicate enough to give us knowledge
Thank you to all who motivate me,support me...
Thank you everyone ..
" Man proposes , God disposes "
If efforts are made, leave everything to God.
:)
best of luck to all spm candidates 2014
we shall meet again with tears of joy or tears of grief next year in the month of March.
a sense of ease and relief!
thank you God for Your guidance so that I am able to be in a 100% perfect condition to sit for SPM.
I would like to express my gratitude to all teachers who have taught me or not taught me from form 1 to form 5 who are dedicate enough to give us knowledge
Thank you to all who motivate me,support me...
Thank you everyone ..
" Man proposes , God disposes "
If efforts are made, leave everything to God.
:)
best of luck to all spm candidates 2014
we shall meet again with tears of joy or tears of grief next year in the month of March.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
141111
what day is today?
it's pepero day!!!!!!!
it's pepero day!!!!!!!
someone received a pepero few days ago.......
i wanna give pepero to you too ^^;;
i'm replaying Danger and Rewind everyday now
i'm re-watching Taemin's performance every now and then
i'm loving all SM's solo artists, ex: Henry,Taemin and Zhoumi...
sobs sobs sobs my kokoro can't handle
but of course I love Taemin the most
tbh i miss him so much
even if he's wearing a surgical mask, i'm still like his face a lot better
i appreciate airport photos a lot
because..... taemin usually don't put on make up or at least bb cream/foundation onto his face when he's boarding a flight
[reminds me of the cakey makeup he had in smtown that made me cringe so much]
well.......
today in airport,he decided to sit down and have a drink so he took off his mask
you know what... when he took off his mask, i realized the reason why i fell for him at first
because of his plan no makeup look on his face
ah yes when he don't put on makeup,his young look appeals to me a lot.........
i don't think taemin really likes putting on make up but SHINee's strong concepts make him put on eyeliners and eyeshadows .....which made him look feminine
yes taemin,don't put on makeup please
your skin looked so much healthier ...
i actually think you look better with acne scars,pimples and uneven colouration on your face
sigh i'm crazy over you so much
yah yah yaaaaaah
despite different religions, i find him so fucking attractive when he prays/devote himself to God
to be honest, i had already made a decision for myself.
i'm not going to have a religion (which does not equivalent to an atheist)
i don't buy those religion things
religion is the reason why people disunites,why people are killed without mercy
however, I shall remain a child of God. I believe His existence, I seek for His assistance.
As for Taemin, he's a very religious child.
I know he is
(tbh i'm very religious too but i don't have a religion //that's so irony// i just find myself very fond and dependent to God )
Every time he prays, he hit my heart's weakest spot...
taemin is just the most beautiful creature on earth
even when he's in overseas,he never forgets to pray
if we ever...ever meet ,let's meet in a cathedral in italy or somewhere in the european countries..
i've seen many many many beautiful cathedrals on tv and i'm touched to see them..
cathedrals are very beautiful tbh ...especially the one I saw in TV.. La Sagrada Familia in Barcelona..
you know what can enhance the beauty of the cathedral?
it's to see someone (most probably Taemin) praying with a sincere heart.
Every time he thanks God after his success,
and yes, and during his 2nd win of Danger, he thanked God in his speech ...
I was watching live that time and I actually understand his whole speech even though it was in korean...
when he wears rosary rings,rosary bracelet and rosary ear rings,
because the members know how he cherishes his rosary ring a lot ...thats why key decided to pick it up right away instead of picking it up later and increase the possibility of his ring getting smashed and kicked... [well if its just a normal ring.no one would care about it]
When Taemin does his "blessing thing" (i don't know what its called)
the most important is not only to pray for yourself but to pray for others too.
When he gives others rosary beads and rosary ring...
that girl is Donika.. as you can she she's actually ill
Taemin gave her the rosary bracelet he's been wearing for ages...
my heart kinda felt the warmth...
oh,
which boyfriend will give his girlfriend a rosary bracelet?
it was blessed by a priest too....
// where to find a boy who is that religious //
i find it so hard to find a guy who is like that
in conclusion, i really admire this part of him .......
there's so many many many things I really love about him , for example his deep thoughts,his sarcasm,his humour XD (well sometimes his humours just give me shivers because ..it was cold. lol)
oh taemin
today wasn't really a pretty day for me
i hate HATE hate I really HATE people not giving me full attention
he made me feel like a cheap person without any sense of dignity
nope i did not do something i am not suppose to do
what's the point of showering all my love and kisses to someone who....don't appreciate it?
you know the point i shower all these things to you and i got back this type of treatment hurts me alot?
.......... i don't understand sometimes
yeah
you are so worried that i will fucked up your game
look at your looks, your reaction when i touch your phone
you deleted the photos i took of you [i seriously hate this a lot]
you touch your phone even though i'm in front of you
i don't waste my time on you telling you to play your phone in front of me
i'm so disappointed
no don't say i started it first and put the blame on me
yeah because i want to share my hard time playing that level
i asked for your help, and you said NO.
okay fine
fuck you and your phone and your treatment
thank you for making me realize how dumb i am
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
oh taemin oh taemin..............................................................................
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
here's the 2nd gift for you >> 2nd gift :-)
if you could ever try.... to understand
but no.
you...
goodbye.
if you could ever try.... to understand
but no.
you...
goodbye.
the rain that speaks my mind
it was raining outside...
just like what it likes inside my heart
how to continue to write this when i'm already crying......
................................
i'm just so fucking fragile
someone chided me again .........
=============================================
if you ever... read this by the slightest chance.. I hope you will understand
here's a song as my gift for you >> your 1st gift
To, the only and only beloved
.....i don;t know how to start the letter and everything now seems like a nightmare to me
..................
................................. there's so many things I wanna say, so many feelings I wanna convey but ....i do not know how to put it into words
i want to let you go
to see if i still care about you
but even when i haven't let you go ,
i was already dead crying wetting my pillow
but theres just a barrier between us
i can't seem to cross,you can't seem to cross too and we both can't seem to break it too.
i am sorry
...................................
......................................
may God bless you
._.
before I start everything, here's a nice song >> CLICK HERE
well..no.
here's a better song to suit the mood ... click here :-)
..........
this is the last time i'll fall in love.....
............
i feel so pain right now
............................
my heart feels heavy, every second when it pump blood,i can feel the pain, my heart squeezes and my tears are not hiding anymore
..........................................................
i don't think i can continue anymore...
every single thing in my mind that keeps popping in and out made me hurts
my brain could not think of anything else.
i've never felt so hurt before... never once.
well..no.
here's a better song to suit the mood ... click here :-)
..........
this is the last time i'll fall in love.....
............
i feel so pain right now
............................
my heart feels heavy, every second when it pump blood,i can feel the pain, my heart squeezes and my tears are not hiding anymore
..........................................................
i don't think i can continue anymore...
every single thing in my mind that keeps popping in and out made me hurts
my brain could not think of anything else.
i've never felt so hurt before... never once.
6217 days alive
no matter how sweet the chocolate is,it will still expire; so as feelings for someone special.
3rd day of SPM and i'm here
not because i'm lazy,it's because i'm used to gluing myself to the computer.
Just realize I update every time when the world around me start to shatter piece by piece,forming depressing black gloomy clouds in my heart and little tears welled up my eyes without an urge to fall.
Today is just another day when the day doesn't seems right even though the sun was shining brightly as usual and the clouds are just as blue as my mood.
I've not been myself lately,nope correction, i've changed.
Ever since that dream happened, I'm never the same person anymore.
About what I have dreamed about,I have no intention in revealing it but I sincerely believe I have saw the light.....
I realize when I woke up, my feelings started to change ..
=================================================================
why am I starting to change?
not only because i saw the light but also the people around me.
to be honest,I seek for happiness and joy outside than my house. A feeling, a freedom, fresh air that none of my family members could give me.
when I think about my family, all I think was things that happened lately that made me think deeply and thoroughly.....
Once in a while, I was thinking ...if i'm not a great daughter at all? Once in a while, I hope for something that isn't monetary in my family. Once in a while, I desire parents' love. Once in a while,I seek attention from my house. Once in a while, I just need a hug,need some motivation,need a sense of warmth on my shoulders telling me that everything is going to be fine from home. Once in a while, I wish I have the courage to cry in front of them. Once in a while, I wish I could say something that is on my mind and covey my ideas to them.
The answer to everything was, you have to rely on yourself. Until the end,only you will support yourself. You are the only one who can give yourself comfort....
People often say the only place to heal is your own home.
What happens if your home is the place where all your problems got activated?
...........
It's not that I don't feel contented, i'm just curious...
I always thought there's something else in every parent's responsibility list except feeding your child food daily,sending them to school,prepare comfortable are for them,buying them necessities ...
I know what was lacking, it was love.
if there is one day, everyone started to talk to me nicely at home instead of starting an argument when everyone starts to open their mouth... I'll be thankful for each day
but
sadly, there isn't a day like this in my life anymore.
is there a day when peace actually exist at home?
yes there is peace
when both refuse to talk to each other .
nowadays, loneliness seems to come more often during weekends.
I know how my brother feels.
He wants something else but he couldn't get it
Thus//// if he can.. he preferred to not approach him if possible.
which means I'm left alone again.
I know how my sister feels.
She needs love when she's staying alone outside
but when she reached home
All I see was just sad faces and what I heard was just ugly words from her to him.
I know how the one who gave birth to me feels.
................
at last, I know how I feel.
I'm feeling the worst.
In fact, I'm in the worst position that anyone could be in right now
In my age, I still could not act like an adult,
I need to respect, I still need monetary support
but you know what,it's impossible to actually know entirely how someone felt.....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm now currently in one of the biggest turning point in my life.
I feel like letting go of my first love.
Astonishing,right?
That's how I feel right now
You may wonder,
how am I suppose to let go of someone that I love with my whole heart and soul?
.. like I said previously
I've changed.
well.. let me open up a new post about this,k?
stay tuned
Sunday, October 19, 2014
19102014
14days to SPM and i'm still here.
don't ask why
i feel like updating my blog
my current mood : indescribable
if i have someone else as my father, everything would have changed.
maybe i wouldn't be that mature, maybe I wouldn't feel that depressed.
but everything is fate,destiny and I will listen and fulfill God's order.
If the pinky finger leaves a scar, i'll forever remember this day when I feel so .. down (?)
i don't know.
bye.
don't ask why
i feel like updating my blog
my current mood : indescribable
if i have someone else as my father, everything would have changed.
maybe i wouldn't be that mature, maybe I wouldn't feel that depressed.
but everything is fate,destiny and I will listen and fulfill God's order.
If the pinky finger leaves a scar, i'll forever remember this day when I feel so .. down (?)
i don't know.
bye.
Friday, April 25, 2014
SEWOL FERRY INCIDENT.
Here are some stories regarding on the sewol ferry incident but before that, let's pray for them. I know how many of you out there seriously hate this incident because your favourite shows,concerts or music show were all cancel but let me tell you this, you're just someone who is disrespectful to the dead.
let's start.
source : netizenbuzz
story 1:
Diver 'A' (58 years old) discovered the body of two students who had tied their life vests together. "How terrifying it must've been for the young students facing death. They must have tied their life vests together to face death with each other."
With 35 years of diving experience, it was his third dive that day when he discovered the bodies. "I was hoping that I'd be able to save at least one life."
He had managed to get in the hall for passengers when he discovered two pairs of shoes. Shoving aside everything in his way, he discovered the body of the male student, the first corpse he's discovered so far on his rescue mission. He closed his eyes and brought his hands together for a brief moment of respect before attempting to push the male student outside of the ship. Instead, he was met with something heavier. Upon inspection, he discovered something hooked to the bottom of the student's life vest. After pulling it up, the body of a female student was unveiled.
Because the two bodies were too heavy for him to pull out of the ferry alone, he had to disconnect the rope holding them together and carry them out one after the other.
"It was the most surprising and heart wrenching moment of my life. Normally, bodies will float in the waters, but these two children must not have wanted to be apart. It broke my heart and left me in a daze. I felt all of the strength leaving my body and had to leave the bodies behind to collect myself above waters. It was difficult for me to deal with what I had seen alone. I called my daughter and asked, 'Daughter, how are you? My heart is breaking.'"
story 2:
A journalist discovered a mother outside the gymnasium for families waiting to hear news about body discoveries. "I had a mother tell me that the bodies were described using the brand names that they were wearing... Adidas, Nike, Polo... 'I didn't have enough money to afford brands like that for my son. I'm scared that I won't be able to find my child." She didn't want to stay in the gymnasium because she wanted to be able to see each body as they arrived since she wouldn't be able to identify his body based on brands he's wearing.
story 3:
source:koreabang
let's start.
source : netizenbuzz
story 1:
Diver 'A' (58 years old) discovered the body of two students who had tied their life vests together. "How terrifying it must've been for the young students facing death. They must have tied their life vests together to face death with each other."
With 35 years of diving experience, it was his third dive that day when he discovered the bodies. "I was hoping that I'd be able to save at least one life."
He had managed to get in the hall for passengers when he discovered two pairs of shoes. Shoving aside everything in his way, he discovered the body of the male student, the first corpse he's discovered so far on his rescue mission. He closed his eyes and brought his hands together for a brief moment of respect before attempting to push the male student outside of the ship. Instead, he was met with something heavier. Upon inspection, he discovered something hooked to the bottom of the student's life vest. After pulling it up, the body of a female student was unveiled.
Because the two bodies were too heavy for him to pull out of the ferry alone, he had to disconnect the rope holding them together and carry them out one after the other.
"It was the most surprising and heart wrenching moment of my life. Normally, bodies will float in the waters, but these two children must not have wanted to be apart. It broke my heart and left me in a daze. I felt all of the strength leaving my body and had to leave the bodies behind to collect myself above waters. It was difficult for me to deal with what I had seen alone. I called my daughter and asked, 'Daughter, how are you? My heart is breaking.'"
story 2:
A journalist discovered a mother outside the gymnasium for families waiting to hear news about body discoveries. "I had a mother tell me that the bodies were described using the brand names that they were wearing... Adidas, Nike, Polo... 'I didn't have enough money to afford brands like that for my son. I'm scared that I won't be able to find my child." She didn't want to stay in the gymnasium because she wanted to be able to see each body as they arrived since she wouldn't be able to identify his body based on brands he's wearing.
story 3:
source:koreabang
Vice Principal Kang (52) of Danwon High School in Ansan, Gyeonggi-do, was found dead after the deadly ferry accident.
[...]
A hand-written suicide note was discovered in his wallet. The note says, “It is too hard for me to live when 200 of my students are missing. Please place all the responsibility on me. I carried forward the trip plan. Burn my body and sprinkle the ashes in the area where the ship sank. Maybe I will become a teacher again in the afterlife for the missing students.”
Other teachers have said the Vice Principal was blaming himself for leaving his students behind as he was rescued.
story 4:
Park Ji-young (22, stewardess) remained in the ferry until the end to help passengers evacuate. When she found there were not enough life jackets on the third floor, she went to the fourth floor to get more. She did not put on a life jacket. Her dead body was found.
Yang Dae-hong (46, cashier) also stayed on the ship to save passengers and went missing. His last text message to his wife is as follows. “The ship has tilted too much. There is money saved in the Suhyup bank account. Use that for our older kid’s college tuition. I have to go save the kids. I can’t talk anymore. Bye.”
High school student Jeong Cha-woong (17) lost his life helping his friends evacuate. He gave his own life jacket to his friend and tried to save other friends in the water. His dead body was found.
Kwon Hyeok-gyu (6) was with his 5-year-old sister Kwon Ji-yeon, away from their parents. He put his own life jacket on his sister and went to find his parents, but did not come back. High school student Park Ho-jin (17) found Ji-yeon crying and took her out of the ship. Her parents and brother are missing.
=====================================================
someone tell me how to not feel sad reading all these..
someone tell me how to forgive the captain and the crew members? all the cowards who escaped first instead of saving passengers..
how do you feel killing almost 200 people with your stupid decision on telling people to stay on the ferry? you deserved a place in hell.
140425
It's been some time I've updated my blog.
BUSY LIFE GUYS I'M FORM 5 ALREADY.
Very quick entering the 2nd semester of form 5!
Life never change but I'm certain that I've changed a lot for this year.
The reason why I'm updating this is because I feel a little down. Not because of love,friendship,family.. it's just.. this year wasn't a great year.
Well..let's start.
MH370 gone missing and still yet not founded.
Sewol ferry sunk and killed a lot of people.
Water crisis.
Dengue.
Haze.
Good people dying one by one.
Dealing with shitty people
and still a lot more.
I shall not complain about dealing with shitty people because I'm not the only one dealing with the same shitty people. What is life when there isn't any moron to make your life a little more interesting? Life is bored when it is full of good people..
I JUST CAN'T STAND HER.
====
Well..about the plane that made our country famous.. (and of course,the world no.1 most hilarious dumb joke... the bomoh)
It actually gave a great impact to me... (tbh I cried watching the news) but now.. I'm getting furious about this incident.
stop hiding and start revealing the truth.
===========
Sewol ferry incident? No..don't even mention it. It's both sad and angry at the same time.
I'll update about this in the next post.
======
well.. my house is affected with the water crisis.. that's not a big deal though. I can survive not bathing for a week but.. that would not be appropriate since I go to school. LOL.
==========
Others ...i'll not talk about it. Everyone knew right? about the good people dying one by one.. that's nature. Things will happen when God says YES. No one can disobey His words.
=======================================================
let's talk about some great stuffs.
i'm moving.. next monday. I'm still here.. not ready to pack stuff. I'm still unsure if i'll get use to the new house but ..I'll try. Fighting!
Went to Langkawi last week. Absolutely fun! Best school trip I've went.
I'm still crazily in love with the same guy after so many donkey years and guess what.. I want to marry him and give birth to a football team for him XD (i am not crazy)
My father hasn't been so rough on me. (well he should.. i'm the only child now who he sees every time he's at home)
My love sparks had ignite for Kim Soo Hyun.
I'm still loving SHINee
I still hate EXO stans.
===========================================================.
BUSY LIFE GUYS I'M FORM 5 ALREADY.
Very quick entering the 2nd semester of form 5!
Life never change but I'm certain that I've changed a lot for this year.
The reason why I'm updating this is because I feel a little down. Not because of love,friendship,family.. it's just.. this year wasn't a great year.
Well..let's start.
MH370 gone missing and still yet not founded.
Sewol ferry sunk and killed a lot of people.
Water crisis.
Dengue.
Haze.
Good people dying one by one.
Dealing with shitty people
and still a lot more.
I shall not complain about dealing with shitty people because I'm not the only one dealing with the same shitty people. What is life when there isn't any moron to make your life a little more interesting? Life is bored when it is full of good people..
I JUST CAN'T STAND HER.
====
Well..about the plane that made our country famous.. (and of course,the world no.1 most hilarious dumb joke... the bomoh)
It actually gave a great impact to me... (tbh I cried watching the news) but now.. I'm getting furious about this incident.
stop hiding and start revealing the truth.
===========
Sewol ferry incident? No..don't even mention it. It's both sad and angry at the same time.
I'll update about this in the next post.
======
well.. my house is affected with the water crisis.. that's not a big deal though. I can survive not bathing for a week but.. that would not be appropriate since I go to school. LOL.
==========
Others ...i'll not talk about it. Everyone knew right? about the good people dying one by one.. that's nature. Things will happen when God says YES. No one can disobey His words.
=======================================================
let's talk about some great stuffs.
i'm moving.. next monday. I'm still here.. not ready to pack stuff. I'm still unsure if i'll get use to the new house but ..I'll try. Fighting!
Went to Langkawi last week. Absolutely fun! Best school trip I've went.
I'm still crazily in love with the same guy after so many donkey years and guess what.. I want to marry him and give birth to a football team for him XD (i am not crazy)
My father hasn't been so rough on me. (well he should.. i'm the only child now who he sees every time he's at home)
My love sparks had ignite for Kim Soo Hyun.
I'm still loving SHINee
I still hate EXO stans.
===========================================================.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
140128
another 28, 9 months to my birthday.
Well.. I'm here again.
supposed to do my homework but.. god,i'm exhausted and a little.. mental unstable today.
today is the day when koko started. IT WAS TIRING!!!!! Well.. it really wasn't that tiring until I attended a 3 hours tuition which made my mind felt a little floating.
I was doing well during physics tuition .. ( i was late 10 minutes) // until maths came and it was boring. not that the teacher is boring..but the topic is boring!!! when teacher was like throwing questions at me, I will looked back at him for a long time until he repeated the question.. and I got back to my senses. It was exhausting that I answered the whole worksheet far ahead from everyone.
Today wasn't in a good mood either. (biggest reason was last night and in school)
he didn't know I cried at the phone ,of course he didn't know. he is the one who thought he knew everything about me but the truth is, he knew nothing about me. Not because our relationship got into any problems, it's because of add maths.yeah it was frustrating. It wasn't the first time I cried because of add maths. The problem was I had my tuition from 6 to 10, I was so exhausted from add maths tuition and english too. I went home and I did add maths again. The stress eventually came into me when I don't even know how to do. My solution for this will always be him since he was an add maths prodigy. I know he got mad at me for not understand basics. Even if he says a million time that he wasn't mad at me, I will still believe that he really got mad at my stupidity in add maths. If you can't go slow,step by step and patience with me in add maths, if you can't seemed to understand why I would figured out that way, if you don't know why sometimes the bulb lights up slow for me, you should have just said "no" instead of raising your voice, losing patience, teaching me like i'm some sort of add maths genius who understand most of the thing. I wouldn't be mad if you said you don't understand my question instead of letting your impatience go wild all over me and giving me stress/pressure onto my heavy heart. I was so downhearted and everything was blue for me that night. I was so enthusiastic to learn add maths and you somehow turned off the switches. I've never felt so discouraged in my life before.. despite how much I detest add maths. You even made me got to a stage where I felt so stupid and dumb for myself that I feel like shoving my head into a pot of water and make myself drown there. After crying all over my add maths exercise book, I found energy back to do a few questions until I got fed up. I end up just copying the questions instead of answering it. I lost my motivation. I hate copying answers, and I ended up dying to copy people's answers. Everything, your tone,your words pierced to my heart, every of your word became ,"this is so easy and how come you don't even know it?" , "are you really this dumb?".
sorry but i'll never ever ask add maths question from you ever again.
================================================================
in school.
sometimes I wonder, if I am really your girlfriend in school?
You made me feel like i'm some sort of girl acquaintance to you.
it's so cold, too cold.
no.
you treated me too warm on phone.
THIS PROBLEM HAS BEEN HERE FOR YEARS AND WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END?
why are you so different in real life?
no, people didn't even realized i'm your girlfriend in school.
even I don't acknowledge myself as your girlfriend in school
...
i'm tired of this whole thing.
if you're not going to treat me as your girlfriend no matter where you are and whenever your are, i will not be hesitant to end this hopeless relationship.
how can you said "yes" and just saw me pass your book to another girl without doing anything
while i'm obviously not done referring yet ..
Is that girl more important than me?
no yes? yes. you made me feel that your answer is YES.
i thought, as girlfriend, i do own a special rights that is somehow unfair to other people.
.. you forced me into a corner that i have no choice but to squeeze a smile out and silently gives away your book to another girl.
how can you just said "bye" and without even looking at me?
my heart ache so much that I was in tears while walking home (no now i'm in tears also)
.......... you disappoint me too much.
can I just end this hopeless romance saga?
i know you're busy,you're with your friends,
you wanna keep your cool in front of your friends,
but to me, a cool boy means showing affection to your girlfriend no matter what situation you are in.
i know you are gluing your eyes to your phone.
i can't believe i spent 20 minutes walking around the school looking for you.
from school gate to canteen to basketball court,to the counselling room back to those hallways then until I met your friend and I asked him. oh,you're there.
I told you i was going to tuition,
yea i'd already expected a disheartening answer.
but i never expect such an.. expression for you.
you made me like a fool standing there telling you.
if it wasn't for you, I'D NOT LOOK AROUND THE SCHOOL FOR YOU AND JUST TO TELL YOU THAT 1 SENTENCE AND EXPECT A DISAPPOINTING ANSWER FROM YOU.
how can you just said bye without even meeting my eyes?
how can you not say "take care", "good luck" or perhaps that simple 3 words?
how can you just .. treat me like that?
do you even understand that the pats on your shoulders that I gave you?
yea you don't.
that's how I say " you did well to my heart" ..........
you not only made me looked like a fool in front of your friends but also made me a retarded to myself.
can you stop discouraging me and making me feel so hopeless?
i hate the fact that i'm trying to express so much in real life instead of phones and calls .. but you're doing it the opposite way.
do you even know how hard,difficult is it for me to even smile at the next morning without a sense of leftovers from last night?
No you don't. you don't know,thats why.
so,
when,
exactly,
can we end this hopeless relationship?
i'm tired.
i'm tired of loving you.
Well.. I'm here again.
supposed to do my homework but.. god,i'm exhausted and a little.. mental unstable today.
today is the day when koko started. IT WAS TIRING!!!!! Well.. it really wasn't that tiring until I attended a 3 hours tuition which made my mind felt a little floating.
I was doing well during physics tuition .. ( i was late 10 minutes) // until maths came and it was boring. not that the teacher is boring..but the topic is boring!!! when teacher was like throwing questions at me, I will looked back at him for a long time until he repeated the question.. and I got back to my senses. It was exhausting that I answered the whole worksheet far ahead from everyone.
Today wasn't in a good mood either. (biggest reason was last night and in school)
he didn't know I cried at the phone ,of course he didn't know. he is the one who thought he knew everything about me but the truth is, he knew nothing about me. Not because our relationship got into any problems, it's because of add maths.yeah it was frustrating. It wasn't the first time I cried because of add maths. The problem was I had my tuition from 6 to 10, I was so exhausted from add maths tuition and english too. I went home and I did add maths again. The stress eventually came into me when I don't even know how to do. My solution for this will always be him since he was an add maths prodigy. I know he got mad at me for not understand basics. Even if he says a million time that he wasn't mad at me, I will still believe that he really got mad at my stupidity in add maths. If you can't go slow,step by step and patience with me in add maths, if you can't seemed to understand why I would figured out that way, if you don't know why sometimes the bulb lights up slow for me, you should have just said "no" instead of raising your voice, losing patience, teaching me like i'm some sort of add maths genius who understand most of the thing. I wouldn't be mad if you said you don't understand my question instead of letting your impatience go wild all over me and giving me stress/pressure onto my heavy heart. I was so downhearted and everything was blue for me that night. I was so enthusiastic to learn add maths and you somehow turned off the switches. I've never felt so discouraged in my life before.. despite how much I detest add maths. You even made me got to a stage where I felt so stupid and dumb for myself that I feel like shoving my head into a pot of water and make myself drown there. After crying all over my add maths exercise book, I found energy back to do a few questions until I got fed up. I end up just copying the questions instead of answering it. I lost my motivation. I hate copying answers, and I ended up dying to copy people's answers. Everything, your tone,your words pierced to my heart, every of your word became ,"this is so easy and how come you don't even know it?" , "are you really this dumb?".
sorry but i'll never ever ask add maths question from you ever again.
================================================================
in school.
sometimes I wonder, if I am really your girlfriend in school?
You made me feel like i'm some sort of girl acquaintance to you.
it's so cold, too cold.
no.
you treated me too warm on phone.
THIS PROBLEM HAS BEEN HERE FOR YEARS AND WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END?
why are you so different in real life?
no, people didn't even realized i'm your girlfriend in school.
even I don't acknowledge myself as your girlfriend in school
...
i'm tired of this whole thing.
if you're not going to treat me as your girlfriend no matter where you are and whenever your are, i will not be hesitant to end this hopeless relationship.
how can you said "yes" and just saw me pass your book to another girl without doing anything
while i'm obviously not done referring yet ..
Is that girl more important than me?
no yes? yes. you made me feel that your answer is YES.
i thought, as girlfriend, i do own a special rights that is somehow unfair to other people.
.. you forced me into a corner that i have no choice but to squeeze a smile out and silently gives away your book to another girl.
how can you just said "bye" and without even looking at me?
my heart ache so much that I was in tears while walking home (no now i'm in tears also)
.......... you disappoint me too much.
can I just end this hopeless romance saga?
i know you're busy,you're with your friends,
you wanna keep your cool in front of your friends,
but to me, a cool boy means showing affection to your girlfriend no matter what situation you are in.
i know you are gluing your eyes to your phone.
i can't believe i spent 20 minutes walking around the school looking for you.
from school gate to canteen to basketball court,to the counselling room back to those hallways then until I met your friend and I asked him. oh,you're there.
I told you i was going to tuition,
yea i'd already expected a disheartening answer.
but i never expect such an.. expression for you.
you made me like a fool standing there telling you.
if it wasn't for you, I'D NOT LOOK AROUND THE SCHOOL FOR YOU AND JUST TO TELL YOU THAT 1 SENTENCE AND EXPECT A DISAPPOINTING ANSWER FROM YOU.
how can you just said bye without even meeting my eyes?
how can you not say "take care", "good luck" or perhaps that simple 3 words?
how can you just .. treat me like that?
do you even understand that the pats on your shoulders that I gave you?
yea you don't.
that's how I say " you did well to my heart" ..........
you not only made me looked like a fool in front of your friends but also made me a retarded to myself.
can you stop discouraging me and making me feel so hopeless?
i hate the fact that i'm trying to express so much in real life instead of phones and calls .. but you're doing it the opposite way.
do you even know how hard,difficult is it for me to even smile at the next morning without a sense of leftovers from last night?
No you don't. you don't know,thats why.
so,
when,
exactly,
can we end this hopeless relationship?
i'm tired.
i'm tired of loving you.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
當愛已成往事
now playing : SHINee - 當愛已成往事
Today's schedule is Festival tour in Beijing.
They sang that song again.... that lovely song :')
It was said that there wasn't much fans attended that festival..
well of course, spring festival is coming.. that's why.
but they are going to Hong Kong soon right?
it's even worst but there are many people searching for people who are selling their ticket.. So i'm supposed its okay.
Well... Taemin is smiling a lot today.
When he smiles, I will..smile with him too.
There's quite an amount of fancams of GDA releasing today. I saw few, yeah.
Taemin receiving bonsang. (i only watch taemin focused fancam hahaha sorry ot5)
I swear he was quite teary ..his eyes were watery and all the gestures and expressions he made.. I can't decipher but I believe, he was holding back his tears as a sang namja lol
Is it me or Taemin has been changing a lot lately?
He used to have those "its okay" and "i don't care" expression.
He smiles and laughs while everyone is crying their asses off.
He is always that .."happy go lucky" type and the mature type but somehow silly and ignorant.
but after 2013, after he received the best artist award, after wgm
he changed?
He became that type of guy who gets touched easily and often has that teary eyes.
I don't think anyone can help create teary eyes for him.
Well.. people changed as time passes by.
Perhaps he understands .. or he has been suffering too much.
Yeaaaah. After a long time of hard work and getting appreciation and recognition.. it's something really touching. So.. it's okay to cry. ( i cry too when i'm under pressure or.. you know, emotional)
=====================================================
I envy the bromance between Taemin and EXO's Kai.
They can have their own mini world behind everyone's back and hugging each other like .... gays.
The way Kai touches Taemin and his expression.. mygod. lol he looked like he was enjoying it very much.
Used to hate EXO , not hate, just dislike.
But I just couldn't. Taemin loves Kai so much , I can see it.
That day changed everything about my opinion and view towards EXO.
Last time, to me, EXO is just another rookie group with tons and tons of crazy fangirls and SM is trying to make use of their popularity to get even more money. Thus, eventually neglect SHINee. Since Dream Girl and coincidence, EXO having their best time of the year by releasing the song so called "Growl" , SM has been giving rubbish songs to SHINee. In result, giving EXO the best things and do so much media play and stick their babies into almost all the places they could stick, for example, dramas,tv shows. I got so fed up looking all the EXO things appearing everywhere....... and of course, during Sherlock era.. look at SM, feeding us all EXO's teasers. well it is not just 1 ,it is 10920493842 of them. You guys might say I'm just over biased but well.. I know EXO much earlier than most of you. Remember SM released their first teaser, that was Kai dancing with his tall hat on and there's a car there? Yeah, I watched that on the same minute the teaser release. Further on, SM kept releasing EXO's teasers........ and yeah, MAMA came and so on.. I was there. Most of you exist only when Wolf/Growl exist. I've gone through .. so much. hahaha. Used to think SM treats their idols unfairly and EXO was just a replacement for Super Junior ...
but everything changed since TaeKai friendship existed.
That day, SHINee got the daesang at MMA. Kai cried like a baby for them.
The moment when Taemin just threw his entire body weight to Kai that Kai got to stumble back and catch him. Taemin was crying,holding tightly to Kai. Then, he went to other EXO members and they all gave him a warm hug too. After everything, (since Kai is the mc,he's ought to be busy) Taemin slowly walked to where Kai is standing after so many people hugging him and patting him like baby boy (forever a baby boy in everyone's eyes) , there goes again. Kai saw him and pushed Taemin by his neck into him. Again, Taemin put his entire body weight to Kai that Kai got to grab hold of himself. Then, both of them stumbled few big steps back like giants, Taemin patting Kai's back like a kiddo.Finally, both of them were willing to let go of each other after quite some time and there was when Kai started to cry, like baby. Perhaps he was touched and too happy for their seniors to win? yes. yes he was. He started to cry and he hugged Taemin by his neck back again. This time, even tighter. Both of them were swaying left to right and finally, Kai released Taemin and stroked Taemin's hair >///< He's totally abandoning his job as a MC for Taemin. Kai kept wiping his tears and Taemin constantly looking at him and touching him. Taemin was already smiling widely seeing his best friend crying.. hahaha. Until they said the offensive "we are smtown" thingy, they all went around the stage..bowing to fans and etc.. there comes again. Taemin putting his arm around Kai. Definitely abandoning SHINee to meet his best friend, Kai. Kai,somehow did not abandon EXO..since EXO members are everywhere. (no sarcasm used)
I even saw a fancam.. when they were showing the nomination video of daesang .. Kai was praying and mumbling SHINee's name. He's a sweetheart. Really. Taemin is lucky and blessed to have a friend like him. I changed my view towards EXO because of Kai. Jongin ah, thank you for taking care of Taemin.. although he's older than you. hahaha. ;_;
Everyone changed my views. First of all, there were many shawols like me, who were fed up with all these exo things but .. people stated the logical reasons behind all these and the friendship between EXO and SHINee shared.. we,of course, wanted to create peace between two fandom but somehow.. when there's one day world peace couldn't achieve,there will always be high difficulty that peace will exist between kpop fandoms.
I saw many comments that day, I saw many news that day..
I came to a realization.
SM was the puppet and all of his idols were just workers that earns him money.
EXO wasn't expected to be so popular.
SHINee was supposed to have their year in 2013.
SM did a lousy marketing work if they wanted to make 2013 a SHINee year.
( this is a long story. I wont explain..maybe next time )
Until EXO became a big hit,
SM literally... gave some shit to SHINee.
It's like they got a new toy and dumping the old one.
well , SM, it was a mistake you make SHINee comeback with WSS or Everybody.
If I was to become the CEO of SM, If I want to make SHINee a big hit of 2013, I would .. only make them comeback with Dream Girl.
However,there's also a possibility you wanted SHINee to gain all kinds of fans with different taste of music.
But.. it was all too late.
SHINee was a big hit when Lucifer,Ring Ding Dong released.
You threw them in Japan when they were the hot topic.
It was a big mistake,SM. It was.
but you didn't make the same mistake for EXO.
that's an improvement.
but whatever.
please, please, please let SHINee shine this year. 1 comeback is enough. 1 is enough. Save your idol from tiredness and save us from wallet holes.
Thank God.
bless exo,SHINee and everyone ; peace.
Today's schedule is Festival tour in Beijing.
They sang that song again.... that lovely song :')
It was said that there wasn't much fans attended that festival..
well of course, spring festival is coming.. that's why.
but they are going to Hong Kong soon right?
it's even worst but there are many people searching for people who are selling their ticket.. So i'm supposed its okay.
Well... Taemin is smiling a lot today.
When he smiles, I will..smile with him too.
There's quite an amount of fancams of GDA releasing today. I saw few, yeah.
Taemin receiving bonsang. (i only watch taemin focused fancam hahaha sorry ot5)
I swear he was quite teary ..his eyes were watery and all the gestures and expressions he made.. I can't decipher but I believe, he was holding back his tears as a sang namja lol
Is it me or Taemin has been changing a lot lately?
He used to have those "its okay" and "i don't care" expression.
He smiles and laughs while everyone is crying their asses off.
He is always that .."happy go lucky" type and the mature type but somehow silly and ignorant.
but after 2013, after he received the best artist award, after wgm
he changed?
He became that type of guy who gets touched easily and often has that teary eyes.
I don't think anyone can help create teary eyes for him.
Well.. people changed as time passes by.
Perhaps he understands .. or he has been suffering too much.
Yeaaaah. After a long time of hard work and getting appreciation and recognition.. it's something really touching. So.. it's okay to cry. ( i cry too when i'm under pressure or.. you know, emotional)
=====================================================
I envy the bromance between Taemin and EXO's Kai.
They can have their own mini world behind everyone's back and hugging each other like .... gays.
The way Kai touches Taemin and his expression.. mygod. lol he looked like he was enjoying it very much.
Used to hate EXO , not hate, just dislike.
But I just couldn't. Taemin loves Kai so much , I can see it.
That day changed everything about my opinion and view towards EXO.
Last time, to me, EXO is just another rookie group with tons and tons of crazy fangirls and SM is trying to make use of their popularity to get even more money. Thus, eventually neglect SHINee. Since Dream Girl and coincidence, EXO having their best time of the year by releasing the song so called "Growl" , SM has been giving rubbish songs to SHINee. In result, giving EXO the best things and do so much media play and stick their babies into almost all the places they could stick, for example, dramas,tv shows. I got so fed up looking all the EXO things appearing everywhere....... and of course, during Sherlock era.. look at SM, feeding us all EXO's teasers. well it is not just 1 ,it is 10920493842 of them. You guys might say I'm just over biased but well.. I know EXO much earlier than most of you. Remember SM released their first teaser, that was Kai dancing with his tall hat on and there's a car there? Yeah, I watched that on the same minute the teaser release. Further on, SM kept releasing EXO's teasers........ and yeah, MAMA came and so on.. I was there. Most of you exist only when Wolf/Growl exist. I've gone through .. so much. hahaha. Used to think SM treats their idols unfairly and EXO was just a replacement for Super Junior ...
but everything changed since TaeKai friendship existed.
That day, SHINee got the daesang at MMA. Kai cried like a baby for them.
The moment when Taemin just threw his entire body weight to Kai that Kai got to stumble back and catch him. Taemin was crying,holding tightly to Kai. Then, he went to other EXO members and they all gave him a warm hug too. After everything, (since Kai is the mc,he's ought to be busy) Taemin slowly walked to where Kai is standing after so many people hugging him and patting him like baby boy (forever a baby boy in everyone's eyes) , there goes again. Kai saw him and pushed Taemin by his neck into him. Again, Taemin put his entire body weight to Kai that Kai got to grab hold of himself. Then, both of them stumbled few big steps back like giants, Taemin patting Kai's back like a kiddo.Finally, both of them were willing to let go of each other after quite some time and there was when Kai started to cry, like baby. Perhaps he was touched and too happy for their seniors to win? yes. yes he was. He started to cry and he hugged Taemin by his neck back again. This time, even tighter. Both of them were swaying left to right and finally, Kai released Taemin and stroked Taemin's hair >///< He's totally abandoning his job as a MC for Taemin. Kai kept wiping his tears and Taemin constantly looking at him and touching him. Taemin was already smiling widely seeing his best friend crying.. hahaha. Until they said the offensive "we are smtown" thingy, they all went around the stage..bowing to fans and etc.. there comes again. Taemin putting his arm around Kai. Definitely abandoning SHINee to meet his best friend, Kai. Kai,somehow did not abandon EXO..since EXO members are everywhere. (no sarcasm used)
I even saw a fancam.. when they were showing the nomination video of daesang .. Kai was praying and mumbling SHINee's name. He's a sweetheart. Really. Taemin is lucky and blessed to have a friend like him. I changed my view towards EXO because of Kai. Jongin ah, thank you for taking care of Taemin.. although he's older than you. hahaha. ;_;
Everyone changed my views. First of all, there were many shawols like me, who were fed up with all these exo things but .. people stated the logical reasons behind all these and the friendship between EXO and SHINee shared.. we,of course, wanted to create peace between two fandom but somehow.. when there's one day world peace couldn't achieve,there will always be high difficulty that peace will exist between kpop fandoms.
I saw many comments that day, I saw many news that day..
I came to a realization.
SM was the puppet and all of his idols were just workers that earns him money.
EXO wasn't expected to be so popular.
SHINee was supposed to have their year in 2013.
SM did a lousy marketing work if they wanted to make 2013 a SHINee year.
( this is a long story. I wont explain..maybe next time )
Until EXO became a big hit,
SM literally... gave some shit to SHINee.
It's like they got a new toy and dumping the old one.
well , SM, it was a mistake you make SHINee comeback with WSS or Everybody.
If I was to become the CEO of SM, If I want to make SHINee a big hit of 2013, I would .. only make them comeback with Dream Girl.
However,there's also a possibility you wanted SHINee to gain all kinds of fans with different taste of music.
But.. it was all too late.
SHINee was a big hit when Lucifer,Ring Ding Dong released.
You threw them in Japan when they were the hot topic.
It was a big mistake,SM. It was.
but you didn't make the same mistake for EXO.
that's an improvement.
but whatever.
please, please, please let SHINee shine this year. 1 comeback is enough. 1 is enough. Save your idol from tiredness and save us from wallet holes.
Thank God.
bless exo,SHINee and everyone ; peace.
Friday, January 17, 2014
140117
back here to update blog post at night again.
I woke up extremely late today. 12.30pm? yeah.
I was too tired last night.
Guess why?
I was washing my eyes with tears again.
I thought night like this wouldn't come again, I thought night like this would just come and go.
It isn't true.
The fact that i'm not single will not change the fact that this type of night wouldn't exist.
it feels so much better than burying everything deep down in my heart.
if i did,
i'll slowly be devoured by the sadness and frustration will soon stop my heart from being nice.
you were never nice at listening.
you might loved me a lot, you might have the ability to create thousands of miracles
but are you thinking deeply that ,
your way of loving me will drown me someday?
I know you might questioned me ,
" didn't I show you my love a lot? "
my answer will be too complicated for you to understand.
my explanation will not be nice to you and your heart.
if you want to know what's the answer, here it is.
" you might think you love me a lot but there are many ways to love a girl. You just took the wrong way long time ago and you drive yourself in too deep. "
I detest the way you said you know me very well.
How exactly well do you know me?
Sorry.
Even I don't know myself well.
I detest the way you thought i am that way which i'm not.
I know you can't stand my attitude.
I don't like people teaching me what to do!
I hate people advising me what to do!
Let's recall (i know you hate recalling)
I was feeling like shit.
(i know,you would say i'm immature,stupid,dumb to feel sad for something that isn't happening to me)
SHINee was the reason
(am I consuming SHINee drugs too much till I can't take my eyes and soul off them? delusional girl)
You said I could voice out my sadness
(yayyy you're so kind and thoughtful)
You turned into a beast
you said something that I couldn't accept.
Your words were sharp,
it poked through my heart.
If you were a better listener,
I will feel delighted.
You lost your patience over my attitude over things.
You showed your impatience, you showed that you're feeling bored over my rants.
You said you know but how much do you know?
Most important is,
how can you understand me when you still wanna sit in your soul and understand me with your point of view?
how are you going to understand me as a hardcore fan when you always knew me as your girlfriend that adores you so much?
how are you going to understand me when I'm going through so many things in my fanatic world while you just lie down on your bed,waiting for my phone calls?
I'm sorry that you were always a good man for me but for some reasons, you were too good that I don't even know how to cherish nor appreciate it.
How frequent do I complain? how frequent do I tell things that were hiding beneath my heart?
I don't , I never, tell anything regarding my sadness,frustration,disappointment to anyone excluding you.
Right now, it truly clear that you weren't the right one for me to do those.
.................... last night was the worst night of 2014 (or maybe not)
how can you even keep yelling "hello" when I'm already crying at the other side of the phone call?
it's too cruel.
I couldn't even say a word with my tears flowing so heavily.
I had to grab hold of myself and reply you.
I know how much you hated how I deal problem with silence and by not replying your calls/messages.
maybe you don't understand how much you mean to me to make me cry a teardrop for you (but I cried a river of it last night)
I had to said " i love you" even though how much I hated the way you talked to me that night.
;
give me space,time,privacy.
tbh, i hate people checking on me.
give me privacy.
obviously, you want to check every inch and every thing I had,right?
yeeeeah.
I have double facebook acc,double twitter acc,double instag, double email,double blogs
would you want to know all my private acc that I have?
give me a break. I hate telling people my stuffs. I know that you know i'm mysterious and I prefer to have things to myself.
i don't like. I seriously don't like.
It's not that whatever you do is wrong
It's that you never tried to do something right or think how the outcome would be.
so stop saying that you knew me well 'cos you never did.
k
bye
I woke up extremely late today. 12.30pm? yeah.
I was too tired last night.
Guess why?
I was washing my eyes with tears again.
I thought night like this wouldn't come again, I thought night like this would just come and go.
It isn't true.
The fact that i'm not single will not change the fact that this type of night wouldn't exist.
it feels so much better than burying everything deep down in my heart.
if i did,
i'll slowly be devoured by the sadness and frustration will soon stop my heart from being nice.
you were never nice at listening.
you might loved me a lot, you might have the ability to create thousands of miracles
but are you thinking deeply that ,
your way of loving me will drown me someday?
I know you might questioned me ,
" didn't I show you my love a lot? "
my answer will be too complicated for you to understand.
my explanation will not be nice to you and your heart.
if you want to know what's the answer, here it is.
" you might think you love me a lot but there are many ways to love a girl. You just took the wrong way long time ago and you drive yourself in too deep. "
I detest the way you said you know me very well.
How exactly well do you know me?
Sorry.
Even I don't know myself well.
I detest the way you thought i am that way which i'm not.
I know you can't stand my attitude.
I don't like people teaching me what to do!
I hate people advising me what to do!
Let's recall (i know you hate recalling)
I was feeling like shit.
(i know,you would say i'm immature,stupid,dumb to feel sad for something that isn't happening to me)
SHINee was the reason
(am I consuming SHINee drugs too much till I can't take my eyes and soul off them? delusional girl)
You said I could voice out my sadness
(yayyy you're so kind and thoughtful)
You turned into a beast
you said something that I couldn't accept.
Your words were sharp,
it poked through my heart.
If you were a better listener,
I will feel delighted.
You lost your patience over my attitude over things.
You showed your impatience, you showed that you're feeling bored over my rants.
You said you know but how much do you know?
Most important is,
how can you understand me when you still wanna sit in your soul and understand me with your point of view?
how are you going to understand me as a hardcore fan when you always knew me as your girlfriend that adores you so much?
how are you going to understand me when I'm going through so many things in my fanatic world while you just lie down on your bed,waiting for my phone calls?
I'm sorry that you were always a good man for me but for some reasons, you were too good that I don't even know how to cherish nor appreciate it.
How frequent do I complain? how frequent do I tell things that were hiding beneath my heart?
I don't , I never, tell anything regarding my sadness,frustration,disappointment to anyone excluding you.
Right now, it truly clear that you weren't the right one for me to do those.
.................... last night was the worst night of 2014 (or maybe not)
how can you even keep yelling "hello" when I'm already crying at the other side of the phone call?
it's too cruel.
I couldn't even say a word with my tears flowing so heavily.
I had to grab hold of myself and reply you.
I know how much you hated how I deal problem with silence and by not replying your calls/messages.
maybe you don't understand how much you mean to me to make me cry a teardrop for you (but I cried a river of it last night)
I had to said " i love you" even though how much I hated the way you talked to me that night.
;
give me space,time,privacy.
tbh, i hate people checking on me.
give me privacy.
obviously, you want to check every inch and every thing I had,right?
yeeeeah.
I have double facebook acc,double twitter acc,double instag, double email,double blogs
would you want to know all my private acc that I have?
give me a break. I hate telling people my stuffs. I know that you know i'm mysterious and I prefer to have things to myself.
i don't like. I seriously don't like.
It's not that whatever you do is wrong
It's that you never tried to do something right or think how the outcome would be.
so stop saying that you knew me well 'cos you never did.
k
bye
140116
Just came back from a place call tuition center.
I'm exhausted,tired and EVERYTHING negative is flowing inside my body right now.
What do you expect me to feel like after attending a tuition class that starts from 4pm to 10pm. Right now.. the time is fixed like this for my Form 5 life. //sigh
Everything was fine except I was really tired from not taking nap after a long day in school.
Having my dinner usually in every Thursday in maju le ahmad. Until the waiters know we would separate bills and sometimes,they remember what I would like to drink.
HA.HA. i'm a regular thursday customer there until I got fed up of eating almost the same food till there's 1 time, I ordered something weird and it turned out..to taste quite good hahaha.
Alright,back to the story.
I was eating.. while I scroll Twitter.
I was complaining the whole time about not being able to watch GDA to my friend.
She smiled at me and told me to watch repeat.
But watching live and watching repeat is two different things that will give you two different feelings.
For example, remember MMA 2013? The time when SHINee won daesang? I was crying so badly and the tears just couldn't stop .. that was when I was watching live stream but then, when I watch repeat, I would tear up but .. the feelings weren't that strong as compared to that time.
but what can I do?
I know my priorities as a student .... It's rational to pick tuition over kpop. Yeeeeeah.
Get back to GDA again. I was scrolling twitter.. I saw SHINee got their first award in GDA, which was the ceci bla bla bla award.. something about fashion icon award. yay congratz boys! Then.. SHINee got their inkisang too. I WAS SHOCKED TO SEE SNSD GOT THEIR INKISANG then a korean shawol told us in english (surprisingly fluent) to calm down .. they split the inkisang into two -_- and the award.. goes to two respective winners..
ISN'T THIS STUPID AND CRAZY?
you guys might not understand what is wrong with me getting so much fire on me.. and why am I complaining so much for things that had already happened ! Just because not talking about something that had become past,doesn't mean it doesn't matters to me. It still does!!!!! If I don't pour out every unsatisfactory in my heart, I'm not gonna feel any better.
You guys might not understand the situation for the inkisang. First, it was stated that 80% comes from voting and 20% for judges opinion for the inkisang (popularity award) SHINee got 1st place for voting while SNSD got 2nd. I don't know which bastard.. (shawols) CHEATED AND HACKED INTO THE VOTING SYSTEM. //sigh// we gave 0.08% to SNSD..but still,we are the winner. We are just concerned about the judge opinions..because we cheated. All this while, we thought there's only 1 inkisang, 1 winner. ITS FALSE. It turns out, there's digital inkisang and disk inkisang. Roy and SNSD got digital while SHINee and BEAST got disk inkisang. THIS IS PURE STUPID. Then what are we voting for all these while? Are we voting for fun? Those shawols who paid to vote.. what is the meaning of their votes now? It's like every effort from us are going down to the drain. GROUPS WHO DON'T EVEN HAVE HIGH VOTES FOR INKISANG GETS THE AWARD. what the hell is with this GDA? i'm quite mad though. I know they want to be fair to others.. SNSD and SHINee can share their inkisang..since we cheated. So.. i'm willing to pay the price of cheating. but BEAST and ROY? sorry to be rude but.. WHAT? Both of them.. they didn't even by past 10% if i'm not wrong..and they got an inkisang.. THIS MEANS IF WE DIDN'T GO THROUGH SO MUCH OF TROUBLE VOTING FOR SHINee, THEY WOULD HAVE WON TOO. I sincerely pity those fans who paid to vote!!!! ITS A WASTE ! I was starting to get frustrated. Inkisang was used to be quite a great award and now,it turns out like anyone could win this without their fan's effort. You see, popularity award is based on number of fans and your fanbase's strength. it's not based on talent or whatever bullshit but look at them.. it's unfair.
NEXT!!!!! They won a bonsang. Yeah I was happy. until they announced the daesang. I was constantly refreshing twitter in tuition and I immediately had the word "fuck" came out from my mouth. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? MY EYES ARE BLURRED WITH TEARS. I COULDN'T CRY IN PUBLIC AND I NEVER LET MYSELF TO DO THAT. I CRIED NOT BECAUSE THEY WON ITS BECAUSE SOME OTHER GROUP WON. I will not bash, I swear I will not bash that other group..... THEY CAME FROM THE SAME COMPANY DOESN'T MEANS I MUST LIKE THEM .YOU GUYS ARE BULLSHITING. So,daesang went to that group. Yeahhhhh a million seller with their album , that starts with the alphabet g and ends with a L. I was so fucking pissed off. Where did SHINee's effort went?!?!?! Sometimes I think, their efforts.. didn't paid off! Luck wasn't on our side!!! they didn't get the recognition they wanted!!!!!! But golden disk award plainly relies on the album sales though. SHINee didn't have a single album that sold over million. but they released 4 KOREAN ALBUM IN A YEAR. IF YOU ADD UP 4 OF THEM ALTOGETHER,TELL THE OTHER GROUP TO STAND BY A SIDE PUHLEASE. ( i don't know if any of their stans would see this blogpost. so happen if you are one of their stans, please ignore this. you can make my blogpost famous. It's up to you but this is my blog,my opinion,my thoughts. You don't like,your choice.)
SM was the biggest problem!! They possibly wanted SHINee to get a daesang since they had been working SHINee out so much last year but their biggest failure was , they wanted a group to win but they are at the same time working on other group and that other group..wasn't expected to have such big success.
I'M SO PISSED OFF , SO ANGRY , URGH. I wasn't even concentrating on chemistry class!!!! UNTIL TEACHER SAID SOMETHING ABOUT EXO.. NOT THAT EXO, IT'S EXOTHERMIC. MY EYES GOT BIG AND MY MIND WAS CHANTING THE WORD "FUCK".
Overall my mood was ruined. How many inkisang and bonsang can SHINee continue to get? we can't possibly let them win the same award EVERY FUCKING YEAR,isn't it?
//chills the fuck out and breathes simultaneously//
Dear SHINee,
There's so many things I want to say to you but the 3 main sentences I wanted to say was , I'm sorry,thank you and I love you. Today, I wasn't able to share your happy moments during GDA. I was busy with studies but I was able to check for updates through twitter. I was happy, that you all won 3 awards today. You're the biggest winner for today. You all might be happy but for me, I was a little disappointed. I don't know if you guys were .. I think I put my hopes too high.. SHINee, I'm sorry. SHINee World didn't worked hard enough to get the daesang home for you and add some varieties to your award.trophy shelf. SHINee, thank you. Thank you for the effort and hard work in 2013 ! It was a miracle year for SHINee World. You entertained us throughout the year, giving us smiles,frowns and even tears. We been through so much together last year. It was unforgettable and memorable. SHINee, I love you. Loving you was a part of my life, a happy part of it. SHINee loves us, so we would love you back 10 times more. Although our distance is far but our hearts.. remain as near as though we can hear and feel each other's heartbeat beating at the same rate....
From, SHINeeWorld, sueann.
I'm exhausted,tired and EVERYTHING negative is flowing inside my body right now.
What do you expect me to feel like after attending a tuition class that starts from 4pm to 10pm. Right now.. the time is fixed like this for my Form 5 life. //sigh
Everything was fine except I was really tired from not taking nap after a long day in school.
Having my dinner usually in every Thursday in maju le ahmad. Until the waiters know we would separate bills and sometimes,they remember what I would like to drink.
HA.HA. i'm a regular thursday customer there until I got fed up of eating almost the same food till there's 1 time, I ordered something weird and it turned out..to taste quite good hahaha.
Alright,back to the story.
I was eating.. while I scroll Twitter.
I was complaining the whole time about not being able to watch GDA to my friend.
She smiled at me and told me to watch repeat.
But watching live and watching repeat is two different things that will give you two different feelings.
For example, remember MMA 2013? The time when SHINee won daesang? I was crying so badly and the tears just couldn't stop .. that was when I was watching live stream but then, when I watch repeat, I would tear up but .. the feelings weren't that strong as compared to that time.
but what can I do?
I know my priorities as a student .... It's rational to pick tuition over kpop. Yeeeeeah.
Get back to GDA again. I was scrolling twitter.. I saw SHINee got their first award in GDA, which was the ceci bla bla bla award.. something about fashion icon award. yay congratz boys! Then.. SHINee got their inkisang too. I WAS SHOCKED TO SEE SNSD GOT THEIR INKISANG then a korean shawol told us in english (surprisingly fluent) to calm down .. they split the inkisang into two -_- and the award.. goes to two respective winners..
ISN'T THIS STUPID AND CRAZY?
you guys might not understand what is wrong with me getting so much fire on me.. and why am I complaining so much for things that had already happened ! Just because not talking about something that had become past,doesn't mean it doesn't matters to me. It still does!!!!! If I don't pour out every unsatisfactory in my heart, I'm not gonna feel any better.
You guys might not understand the situation for the inkisang. First, it was stated that 80% comes from voting and 20% for judges opinion for the inkisang (popularity award) SHINee got 1st place for voting while SNSD got 2nd. I don't know which bastard.. (shawols) CHEATED AND HACKED INTO THE VOTING SYSTEM. //sigh// we gave 0.08% to SNSD..but still,we are the winner. We are just concerned about the judge opinions..because we cheated. All this while, we thought there's only 1 inkisang, 1 winner. ITS FALSE. It turns out, there's digital inkisang and disk inkisang. Roy and SNSD got digital while SHINee and BEAST got disk inkisang. THIS IS PURE STUPID. Then what are we voting for all these while? Are we voting for fun? Those shawols who paid to vote.. what is the meaning of their votes now? It's like every effort from us are going down to the drain. GROUPS WHO DON'T EVEN HAVE HIGH VOTES FOR INKISANG GETS THE AWARD. what the hell is with this GDA? i'm quite mad though. I know they want to be fair to others.. SNSD and SHINee can share their inkisang..since we cheated. So.. i'm willing to pay the price of cheating. but BEAST and ROY? sorry to be rude but.. WHAT? Both of them.. they didn't even by past 10% if i'm not wrong..and they got an inkisang.. THIS MEANS IF WE DIDN'T GO THROUGH SO MUCH OF TROUBLE VOTING FOR SHINee, THEY WOULD HAVE WON TOO. I sincerely pity those fans who paid to vote!!!! ITS A WASTE ! I was starting to get frustrated. Inkisang was used to be quite a great award and now,it turns out like anyone could win this without their fan's effort. You see, popularity award is based on number of fans and your fanbase's strength. it's not based on talent or whatever bullshit but look at them.. it's unfair.
NEXT!!!!! They won a bonsang. Yeah I was happy. until they announced the daesang. I was constantly refreshing twitter in tuition and I immediately had the word "fuck" came out from my mouth. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? MY EYES ARE BLURRED WITH TEARS. I COULDN'T CRY IN PUBLIC AND I NEVER LET MYSELF TO DO THAT. I CRIED NOT BECAUSE THEY WON ITS BECAUSE SOME OTHER GROUP WON. I will not bash, I swear I will not bash that other group..... THEY CAME FROM THE SAME COMPANY DOESN'T MEANS I MUST LIKE THEM .YOU GUYS ARE BULLSHITING. So,daesang went to that group. Yeahhhhh a million seller with their album , that starts with the alphabet g and ends with a L. I was so fucking pissed off. Where did SHINee's effort went?!?!?! Sometimes I think, their efforts.. didn't paid off! Luck wasn't on our side!!! they didn't get the recognition they wanted!!!!!! But golden disk award plainly relies on the album sales though. SHINee didn't have a single album that sold over million. but they released 4 KOREAN ALBUM IN A YEAR. IF YOU ADD UP 4 OF THEM ALTOGETHER,TELL THE OTHER GROUP TO STAND BY A SIDE PUHLEASE. ( i don't know if any of their stans would see this blogpost. so happen if you are one of their stans, please ignore this. you can make my blogpost famous. It's up to you but this is my blog,my opinion,my thoughts. You don't like,your choice.)
SM was the biggest problem!! They possibly wanted SHINee to get a daesang since they had been working SHINee out so much last year but their biggest failure was , they wanted a group to win but they are at the same time working on other group and that other group..wasn't expected to have such big success.
I'M SO PISSED OFF , SO ANGRY , URGH. I wasn't even concentrating on chemistry class!!!! UNTIL TEACHER SAID SOMETHING ABOUT EXO.. NOT THAT EXO, IT'S EXOTHERMIC. MY EYES GOT BIG AND MY MIND WAS CHANTING THE WORD "FUCK".
Overall my mood was ruined. How many inkisang and bonsang can SHINee continue to get? we can't possibly let them win the same award EVERY FUCKING YEAR,isn't it?
//chills the fuck out and breathes simultaneously//
Dear SHINee,
There's so many things I want to say to you but the 3 main sentences I wanted to say was , I'm sorry,thank you and I love you. Today, I wasn't able to share your happy moments during GDA. I was busy with studies but I was able to check for updates through twitter. I was happy, that you all won 3 awards today. You're the biggest winner for today. You all might be happy but for me, I was a little disappointed. I don't know if you guys were .. I think I put my hopes too high.. SHINee, I'm sorry. SHINee World didn't worked hard enough to get the daesang home for you and add some varieties to your award.trophy shelf. SHINee, thank you. Thank you for the effort and hard work in 2013 ! It was a miracle year for SHINee World. You entertained us throughout the year, giving us smiles,frowns and even tears. We been through so much together last year. It was unforgettable and memorable. SHINee, I love you. Loving you was a part of my life, a happy part of it. SHINee loves us, so we would love you back 10 times more. Although our distance is far but our hearts.. remain as near as though we can hear and feel each other's heartbeat beating at the same rate....
From, SHINeeWorld, sueann.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
SHINee World.
HELLO TO THE WORLD.
I'm going to dedicate this post to my shining SHINee.
As 2014 comes,
my job as a SHINee World had stepped on its way to 4th year with them.
I don't even remember how it all started but I want to thank that 1 particular person that I forgotten who she/he was that brought me to SHINee.
I remember that time, Lucifer was a hit. That was how everything started.
I'm a little unique, different from others. Others might started to fancy Jonghyun for his looks but for me, the guy in red pants was hot. I didn't care about his feminine looks with his fake long extensions on his head. From Lucifer to Hello to Sherlock to Dream Girl to Why So Serious to Everybody. I was there to witness their growth despite how young I am that time. Not long, they became someone who is owned quite a large space in my mind and also heart. I am an extreme Taemin biased but that doesn't mean I don't love the other 4. I love them all 4 equally or maybe.. Onew a little more. (i'm not trying to be unfair here)
Because of them, I actually learned hangul characters quite quickly but being able to read those characters doesn't mean you understand what they are talking about. (sad)
I was one of those young fans who was there to see Jonghyun,Minho and Onew got hurt and unable to perform on stage. Therefore, I pray to God every day that SHINee will be healthy always.. I understand the feeling of not seeing 5 of them able to perform together. ESPECIALLY ONEW. For some reasons, I was quite frustrated that Onew hurt his neck during Everybody era. I wasn't blaming him.. I just felt..a little disappointed. Maybe because Everybody is a choreography that needs powerful group work. It's weird to see other people taking Onew's place and dance.
Some time, I questioned myself why I adore SHINee so much and how much do they really mean to me. The reason why I adore them so much, is still yet to end. To be honest, if it wasn't for that time, I still can't answer how much do they really mean to me.. until that day came.
I finally understand why people would cry over their idol.
because I did.
That day, Nov 14th, SHINee won their very first daesang (best artist of the year) at MMA.
I was in front of the computer watching live.
When SHINee's name was announced, you know what, I actually broke down with tears.
I was watching this whole MMA thing and I was going to smash the computer because SHINee hasn't win anything except bonsang which will lead them to daesang.
I was disappointed to see a rookie group that could win more awards than them.
Plus I was waiting quite long for SHINee to appear.
Those tears that flow down from my eyes were from strong feelings.
When I cried for them,with them,with a bunch of SHINee World,
I understand how much they mean to me.
To be honest, I still cry whenever I see that video because it showed how much SHINee had improved all this while and I saw it,witnessed it and was there with them all the time when they are constantly growing and improving.
I can't describe how much,how much,how much I like them.
I can see myself in the future, with white hair still supporting SHINee deep down in my heart.
I'll still collect their albums and merchandises.
SHINee World,
I love you.
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