140128

another 28, 9 months to my birthday.

Well.. I'm here again.
supposed to do my homework but.. god,i'm exhausted and a little.. mental unstable today.

today is the day when koko started. IT WAS TIRING!!!!! Well.. it really wasn't that tiring until I attended a 3 hours tuition which made my mind felt a little floating.

I was doing well during physics tuition .. ( i was late 10 minutes) //  until maths came and it was boring. not that the teacher is boring..but the topic is boring!!! when teacher was like throwing questions at me, I will looked back at him for a long time until he repeated the question.. and I got back to my senses. It was exhausting that I answered the whole worksheet far ahead from everyone.

Today wasn't in a good mood either. (biggest reason was last night and in school)
he didn't know I cried at the phone ,of course he didn't know. he is the one who thought he knew everything about me but the truth is, he knew nothing about me. Not because our relationship got into any problems, it's because of add maths.yeah it was frustrating. It wasn't the first time I cried because of add maths. The problem was I had my tuition from 6 to 10, I was so exhausted from add maths tuition and english too. I went home and I did add maths again. The stress eventually came into me when I don't even know how to do. My solution for this will always be him since he was an add maths prodigy. I know he got mad at me for not understand basics. Even if he says a million time that he wasn't mad at me, I will still believe that he really got mad at my stupidity in add maths. If you can't go slow,step by step and patience with me in add maths, if you can't seemed to understand why I would figured out that way, if you don't know why sometimes the bulb lights up slow for me, you should have just said "no" instead of raising your voice, losing patience, teaching me like i'm some sort of add maths genius who understand most of the thing. I wouldn't be mad if you said you don't understand my question instead of letting your impatience go wild all over me and giving me stress/pressure onto my heavy heart. I was so downhearted and everything was blue for me that night. I was so enthusiastic to learn add maths and you somehow turned off the switches. I've never felt so discouraged in my life before.. despite how much I detest add maths. You even made me got to a stage where I felt so stupid and dumb for myself that I feel like shoving my head into a pot of water and make myself drown there. After crying all over my add maths exercise book, I found energy back to do a few questions until I got fed up. I end up just copying the questions instead of answering it. I lost my motivation. I hate copying answers, and I ended up dying to copy people's answers. Everything, your tone,your words pierced to my heart, every of your word became ,"this is so easy and how come you don't even know it?" , "are you really this dumb?".

sorry but i'll never ever ask add maths question from you ever again.

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in school.

sometimes I wonder, if I am really your girlfriend in school?
You made me feel like i'm some sort of girl acquaintance to you.

it's so cold, too cold.

no.
you treated me too warm on phone.

THIS PROBLEM HAS BEEN HERE FOR YEARS AND WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END?

why are you so different in real life?

no, people didn't even realized i'm your girlfriend in school.
even I don't acknowledge myself as your girlfriend in school                                                                      
...
i'm tired of this whole thing.

if you're not going to treat me as your girlfriend no matter where you are and whenever your are, i will not be hesitant to end this hopeless relationship.

how can you said "yes" and just saw me pass your book to another girl without doing anything
while i'm obviously not done referring yet ..
Is that girl more important than me?
no yes? yes. you made me feel that your answer is YES.
i thought, as girlfriend, i do own a special rights that is somehow unfair to other people.
.. you forced me into a corner that i have no choice but to squeeze a smile out and silently gives away your book to another girl.

how can you just said "bye" and without even looking at me?
my heart ache so much that I was in tears while walking home (no now i'm in tears also)
.......... you disappoint me too much.
can I just end this hopeless romance saga?
i know you're busy,you're with your friends,
you wanna keep your cool in front of your friends,
but to me, a cool boy means showing affection to your girlfriend no matter what situation you are in.
i know you are gluing your eyes to your phone.
i can't believe i spent 20 minutes walking around the school looking for you.
from school gate to canteen to basketball court,to the counselling room back to those hallways then until I met your friend and I asked him. oh,you're there.
I told you i was going to tuition,
yea i'd already expected a disheartening answer.
but i never expect such an.. expression for you.
you made me like a fool standing there telling you.
if it wasn't for you, I'D NOT LOOK AROUND THE SCHOOL FOR YOU AND JUST TO TELL YOU THAT 1 SENTENCE AND EXPECT A DISAPPOINTING ANSWER FROM YOU.
how can you just said bye without even meeting my eyes?
how can you not say "take care", "good luck" or perhaps that simple 3 words?
how can you just .. treat me like that?
do you even understand that the pats on your shoulders that I gave you?
yea you don't.
that's how I say " you did well to my heart" ..........
you not only made me looked like a fool in front of your friends but also made me a retarded to myself.

can you stop discouraging me and making me feel so hopeless?

i hate the fact that i'm trying to express so much in real life instead of phones and calls .. but you're doing it the opposite way.

do you even know how hard,difficult is it for me to even smile at the next morning without a sense of leftovers from last night?

No you don't. you don't know,thats why.

so,
when,
exactly,
can we end this hopeless relationship?

i'm tired.
i'm tired of loving you.