Drafted posts.

Before this post, there's 4 hidden blog post which I've drafted it already.
Why?
Because it is controversial.

Nah, 4 of those blog posts are about my college life.
I drafted it recently...since I don't really wanna look at the past about my unrequited love.

No, it wasn't an unrequited love.
It's a love that lacks of courage by both parties.

Oh sue ann oh sue ann,
things would have been so different if you pour out a bit of courage.

....

it's okay.

some things are meant to be like that for some reasons..

because of that,

i met someone who i love and someone who hurt me so much.

Mad

1:52AM

I just got my SPM results on the Tuesday.

First, I would like to express my gratitude to God for always giving me positive energy from above and keeping me in healthy state so that I am able to sit SPM safely and successfully.

Without God, I don't know where I would be and how I would become.

During rough times,He was always there for me ... I can really feel it.

Friends couldn't help me (tbh) , I will feel even more burdened than before after sharing problems with them. They fail to make me happier but I can't blame them... I'm just so fucked up that nothing could possibly make me feel happier.

When I cry on my pillow, asking for relief, confessing and telling my problems to Him, I felt so much lighter than before...

When I tried to harm myself, a soft voice telling me not to and reminding me who I was before.

Because of Him, I was able to stand up again, stop my tears after months of grief ... 

Secondly..I will like to thank everyone who supported me. Family,friends or relatives... Thank you all. Thank you to all dedicated teachers,tuition teachers.... Billion thanks to all of you.

In conclusion, I am extremely grateful for my results. I never expected it to be like that and I didn't fucked up my add maths. Thank God for that and I wish, I will further my studies in the world of economics. 

Why not law? It's a long story.

Actually, the reason why I am creating a post today is not because of bragging about my results but to tell you how fucking terribly mad I was (am still).

I AM SO FUCKING IN FIRE.

Let me get this straight.

Move on fuckers move on. You motherfuckers are not the one I broke up with. Get over with it you fucking mofos.

Do you think I didn't realise it?

Fuck you and your gang of 11. 

Yes I'm fuckass rude and unreasonable.

Hey asshole. I broke up with you,not with your friends.

Tell your friends to memorise this statement and always put it on their minds so that they don't eye fuck me every single time they get to see me.

I AM TIRED. So fucking tired. 

I still care, care about you after this terrible broke up.

I ask my friends, I ask everyone to not blame you because everything is my fault.

I told them clearly that it wasn't your fault, it was mine.

I gave you the play victim role, expect you to do the same to me.

Asking my friends to move on with me so I can get over you this asshole 

After this breakup,you're still the same like last time huh?

I'm the one always being thoughtful,scared that you might be hurt again 

You?

Ask your friends don't eye fuck me.

Judging me with their eyes? 

What the fuck are those expression on their face when they look at me? 

Ah one of your boy friends looked at me like I'm some sort of criminal 

And one of the bitches literally gave me that look that made me want to punch her till her teeth drop

Of course,your whole jin gang with their weird fucking eyes that keep looking at me

Ask them to quit doing that 

It annoys the fuck out of me.

Ask your motherfucking friends to move on with you. 

I beg you. 

I hate to admit this but I still care so much about you but not as much as I do like last time.

You showed your true colours after we broke up, beautiful colours.

Fuck you, you guys are officially in my black list. Motherfuckers motherfucking bastards all of you fuck off from my life fuck fuck fuck!!!!!!!!!! 

New link

New link, new life. 

I don't want anyone who painfully stabbed me into the heart to read my blog. 

I have had enough, and I want to move on...

If you're in a relationship, like me few months ago, 

Consider reading this..

http://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/better-life/am-i-being-taken-for-granted-16-discreet-signs

I guess this is the biggest reason why I am so depressed,

I was taken for granted.

If you found yourself taken for granted too,

Please say farewell to your partner.

It tires you if you don't let him go.

23rd of January.

what day is it?

i don't know.


yeap.
saw a photo on twitter and fucked up my whole day again.

i swore to myself no more tears,
but
i think i had to give myself more time.

.

i hope 11 of you have more outings together and more photos and more adventures together

so i can get numb of this.

11 of you have to be happy
remember,
when i wanted to have a great outing far away with someone i loved, you guys have him first.//(more like he volunteered himself first)


start off happy, happy in progress, happy till the end.

promise me this,k?

i know some of you from that gang is curious
yeah,
somehow this is related to all of you but i am so grateful
i know i'm not his priority while i put him first,having high expectations
i'm stupid but you guys woke me up

call me obsessive freak or whatever
you can say i control my boyfriend too strictly,don't let him have fun with his friends.
TRUE.
i am just that type of person
letting him have fun with his guy friends while his guy friends having lovely time with other girls.
cool.
reminds me how one of my friend used her words to slap me during our outing
asking me how can my boyfriend don't bring me along.
yeah. i just want to tell her
"thank you,he's going to be my ex soon"

i am one of the minority who don't agree boys and girls can have pure close platonic friendship.

call me stupid dumb or idiot.
anything you like.

.xx.
you will never understand how tired i am to maintain this relationship but i still have hopes for him,every single day, every single moment when i feel like i can't hold it anymore,my heart always gives him another chance,another hope

to be able to make me feel hopeless, you guys know how depressed i am already.


really fed up because my wound is still so fresh that i can feel the blood, the taste of blood in my mouth,

today i woke up with swollen eyes, true, ive been crying all night yesterday

i don't know how i survived but i did.
so i told myself,
i won't,i won't,i won't cry anymore.

xx

happy 23rd to myself.

3rd.

Good early morning.

23rd?

......?

I..

Am sad.

Ok 

Bye.

Felt like as if my whole life fucked up by a bloody hell coward.

Changing blog address soon.

Hope my life would not cross yours anymore.

Bye

as another 23rd is coming,

i wont tweet/post that i'm blessed that another 23rd is coming

no.

i'm still depressed i'm still sad i still can't control my emotion

idk

my room is so messy right now

i was cleaning up few days ago but when i keep finding things, my tears burst out again.

and then i stopped and went directly to bed.

i don't think i wanna continue cleaning the room

until i actually completely moved on and feel nothing about it.
which means it might take ages .....


i'm sad
so i changed the song to suit my mood


kthxbye.

sleepless night

somehow can relate to this song
one of my top favourite song list from SHINee.
i really love this song a lot


^^


//

A sigh weighs me down carefully
And won’t let me sleep, yeah
I tell my empty heart that it’s a fool
“Why can’t I cry even though I’m in pain?”

The memories of loving me may be a bit difficult
But I break down as I see you letting them go one by one

I can’t leave
You are more precious than I am
Come back again
Tonight, yeah

I can’t
The days that were so beautiful
Even the times we hated each other
I miss them so much, I can’t forget them
Come back again, yeah

I hate myself for trying to erase you without regrets
I really hate my heart that’s holding onto you again
When I think of you, my day filled with sighs is so long
When I sometimes see the river, the words “I love you” won’t float away

When I pass every light that illuminates the path
My vision gets blurry whoa yeah
It’s not that my heart is beating
Because my breaths that get rougher are bothering me

I try to erase the memories of loving you
But I look pathetic when I find myself putting them back

I can’t leave
Girl, you’re more precious than I am
Come back again
Tonight, yeah, yeah

I can’t
The days that were so beautiful
Even the times we hated each other
I miss them so much, I can’t forget them

Everything underneath the sky, the moon is sunk in
Nothing seems to be the way it used to be
Except me who lost you, yeah yeah baby yeah

I keep you just because I want to
As you look at me who came speechlessly
You don’t smile, you don’t have anything to say
But it just has to be you

I can’t leave
Oh, the only place I have to rest at the end of the day is you
Come back again
Tonight

I can’t
Oh, I loved you to the point of it being tedious
Even the times we hated each other
I miss them so much, I can’t forget them
Come back again, yeah, whoa

Lately..

- Love Belt - Kim Jonghyun ft.Younha -

Go listen.. It's a great song suitable for this time :)

Lately,I'm unable to sleep early like last time.

Too much thoughts in my mind,

Unable to clear it,settle it 

Because I'd rather ignore it.

I've been thinking so thoroughly 

Maybe not thoroughly enough because I'm blinded with tears and conquered by anger.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxXxxxxxxxxxxXxxxxxxxx

Some part of my day, I would go deep down into an emotional world of mine and I would wonder all sorts of different things, from books to idols to future to country to you. 

I will wonder, if you're already dead? 

Of course not, you are still tweeting,still favouriting tweets,still liking Instagram post,from cars to soccer.

Yeah.

I saw everything.

Sometimes,I will wonder,if I ever cross your mind?

Of course not, or else you would have message me or whatever.

I still wonder, how long are you going to leave me hanging?

Maybe forever, because you don't care anymore.

The biggest question I will still wonder,

Do you still adore me?

I won't dare to answer for you. The reason is because I already had an answer but maybe different from yours. However, higher chances it will be the same though.

I must be dumb,must be stupid,must be insane.

I am the one who dump you.

I shall not look back,shall be strong.

Make you regret for it.

However,

There are many many reasons why a relationship will end.

How I wish our relationship would have ended because either one of us has no feelings with each other anymore.

So,either one of us feel the pain, not both of us.

I love you too much, 

my feelings for you,I can't suppress it,can't reduce it,can't control it.

The process of having to give you affection,to compromise you,to provide you full happiness that a girl can give to a guy, anything,I can possibly give anything to you,

I have forgotten about myself, forgotten about my own happiness.

Witnessing your happiness can automatically turn into my source of happiness but as time passes by,when giving too much but getting back too less, I tire myself...

Going on for so long with you,I have never regretted a single bit, even when there are moments that we are unhappy, we get angry, I throw tantrum and forcefully have you to apologise ,I appreciate that we have gone through this.......

A relationship can't be just based on true feelings...both has to be responsible for each other,trust each other...

You know what...

I don't know since when I started questioning myself if you really love me or you just want to feel to be loved?

Or you are still an amateur when it comes to love?

Nope. You are not an amateur, you're just an ignorant expert who don't care...

If I have to date you,I would have dated the another you, the one who is on the phone.

When it comes to the real you bringing me out,I am sorry.

I don't know how many times you disappoint me in a date.

I don't exactly know why you have to make me look so unattractive when you are more attracted to the phone

Make me look like some sort of stranger when you don't let me touch your phone

Make me look like I'm your teacher, keep talking to you but no response.

You can hold my hand,you can kiss me as much as you want to 

But you only want yourself to be happy,to be delighted...but what about me?

Ugly to listen but I am even worse than a prostitute 

The difference between a prostitute and me is that I didn't lose my virginity and I don't get paid for kisses and hugs.

The similarity between a prostitute and me is that I have to "service" someone who don't seem to care about me at all and we were all cheap.

......

Remember that time you brought me out for lunch and I got so fed up and until the end I still have to smile at you and you actually thought I was okay?

Of course you don't remember because you know I am going to forgive you no matter what you have done but no

Don't cross my boundaries.

Then I came to a realisation, i have to marry the real you,not the person behind the phone.

I have to force myself to accept the fact that every boy is different,how they want to treat their girlfriend is also different. I can't change the way how a boy want to treat his partner. If I am not satisfied,I just have to find the right one.

Thank God ... I dumped you.

You know why?

I can finally see how much you care about me.

You should give me the best girlfriend award 

Non stop giving you chances until the last minute.

How I wish I didn't call you out that day,

And I died while travelling or whatever 

So you don't have to see me again and I don't have to suffer while you sleep like a pig.

Thank you Jun Xian for showing me how much you don't give a damn about me. Thank you and thank you for your bullshit in Twitter. Well,perhaps it wasn't me you are talking about but yeah,thanks for everything.

Page 12 of 365

Hello everyone.

I'm home, from UK, from Türkiye

It is 2:37am now

And I'm wondering why am I not in bed

Very obvious my body isn't use to the time here yet...


.......

I enjoyed every of the days in Turkey but however, in uk, it was almost like there's a piece of hell appearing in every single day in uk.

No. Don't bullshit in front of me, dad. Don't bullshit in front of my uncle and aunty.
I know it's rude to say your own dad like that, but I'm still going to say

You're hell one of the most fake person I've known in my life.

You wanna treat me like a diamond in front of uncle beng tin and aunty Tina?
You must be so frustrated and annoying that I didn't join your drama right?

Serve you right.

You never talk to me gently like how other dads will do.
You always raise your voice at me, you always yell at me.
You command me every single time like I'm some sort of stranger or working under you.
You scolded me for no reason, you said I'm useless,I never use my brain and I'm don't use logic.

EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY REPEATING THE SAME THING TO ME LIKE TORTURING ME

I'm so sorry to be so rude to you,dad
I know people would say I'm a spoilt brat to say my own dad this way
Because I get to go overseas every year and I look like I don't have any financial problem and my dad feeds me well and etc etc etc

No.

To be frank,I'd rather born in a poor family with parents that are lovely and don't yell at me every single fucking time.

I appreciate a dad who don't laugh at my fears too.

You know how stupid and dumb every time you said I'm useless because I'm afraid of horror,ghost and haunted houses? And the way you laugh at it and talked to every single friend you know about it?

No it isn't a joke to me.

Everyone has fears,so do I.

Sometimes I really question myself, am I really the daughter you love, or you are forced to have a daughter like me?

I don't know.
I don't wanna know

To you, alcohol are much more important than how I feel.

One day if your liver ever disappoint you,I won't feel bad for you. Not even one inch of it

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I also want to express my gratitude to Uncle Goh Beng Tin and Auntie Tina Sim
They are certainly ... So kind at me
I don't even know how to do,what to do to ever payback everything they did to me.

I stayed at their house during my trip to London

They are somehow my relative from my ah ma's side....

It been quite some time people have treated me so nice and kind...
Never met someone who is so patient and gentle ...

Uncle Beng Tin is really a guy who is very knowledgable ,kind and everything I want in a man
If he's much younger and not taken, I will certainly fall for him, every single bit of him.
/is it fate that I have something with people who has their surname as Goh?/

He explains everything in art galleries to me, every single painting he likes.
He turned me into an art lover ,someone who has little knowledge in arts.
He told me stories despite how passive I am and cold to him at first.
He never stop trying to make me talk , he show interest in what I like

Because of him, I know various artist that creates miracle in art .. The beauty of art.

He's the only one who ignores my dad,just to talk to me and know more about me.
All he wants is .. Me to talk more about myself.

He's the one who dares to humiliate my dad which secretly makes him happy (shit I'm evil)

He asked me what music I like,what books I read...

he actually listen to Bruno Mars,
He went to Taylor Swift Red concert and P!nk concert..
My god.. He's probably the coolest person I've met.
The truth is..he's already in his 60s.

When I was asked what I listen to and who's my favourite artist,
I said Kpop and SHINee
He said he will look into SHINee for me!
Aunty Tina actually said she will find out more about it!

Okay. Here's how uncle bent humiliates my dad,
We were chatting about me and you know, my dad has no interest in me
He only wants to talk about his things.
And uncle beng actually stop him and asked,
"Do you know your daughter likes Kpop? You know SHINee or not?"
My dads eyes got bigger and he said
"Yeah it has 6 members"
And uncle beng answered "it has 5"

Okay..you might think it's not humiliating but my dad..he has lots of pride so it's a huge humiliation to him


The fact that my dad knows nothing and show no interest in what I like really disappoints me.

Even an uncle is more interested in what I like ... 

The fact that he indirectly humiliated my dad really brightens up my mood.. Seriously.

He introduced every single cheese he has in his house for me, the way he tells his story to me

I appreciate it so much, he's the reason why I actually enjoy this london trip.

He's also a photographer... He's the only one ..you know,actually appreciates photography in that trip.

My dad actually scolded me for taking so many photos and guess what, now he's commanding me to put those photos on computer despite how tired I am and how my body is still not adjusted to the time here. Yeah fuck. 

Uncle Beng is just..wow. The same thing,same scene,he can take almost 10 photos of it, okay... He's almost like me..except I don't take that much.

If you wonder why I don't have any portrait photos of me,because my parents don't appreciate photography and don't even bother to learn how to take good photos.... 

So, note to myself, my boyfriend has to be someone who appreciates photography like me,So we can take each other's photo. Hahahah okay I'm crazy.

He is also interested in what I am going to study in future...he assisted me so much and I'm so much clearer of what I'm really going to study! Maybe if I don't get to study law,I will take up econs..

Enough of uncle beng. If I tell more about him,I would look like I'm obsessed at an uncle who is in his 60s .

About auntie Tina, she kept reminding me how great of a person my dad is and I always feel gross about that statement because she doesn't know!! Like I said, my dad treats outsiders better than his own family members. Well,auntie Tina is not really an outsider but...sigh. She's also another kind person..she gave me clothes and a book to write about london! I will write it soon.. 

She's actually very cute too xD there was this time when uncle beng didn't pick up his phone and auntie cutely punching his chest and demanding an apology.. Cute as f >< I want a marriage like them too. T T 

She took care of me well ... Aaaaaah I don't know.

I appreciate uncle and auntie for their warming care ...thank you so much, especially uncle beng ... He actually said I'm very special...and I had tears in my eyes when he said that 

.........

End of trip = back to reality in Malaysia.

My dad changed his attitude faster than lightning.

Damn pissed off early in the morning. 

I don't wanna mention what happen but fuck.

It was gross.

But my brother.. He's the best .... 

He brought back many things from Japan ... Thank you :') 

My brother is my source of happiness at home... 

And no. I don't have brother complex. 

,,,,,,,,,,

Ah yes .

Can people stop mentioning about that bastard who broke my heart?

He's not my boo anymore.

Because he can stand not talking to me, not caring about me, which is a fucking selfish act.

Don't use him to tease me. It ignites the fire in me,not tears anymore. 

If anyone mention him in front of me,I'm just gonna frankly tell them that he's not mine anymore because he's selfish and a bastard that don't even give a damn about me.

Of course,his motto is something about what he does that defines him,isn't what he is underneath.

No wonder he's such a bastard.

He loves/loved me a lot underneath him but what he do is just pure gross and selfish.

So that makes him not love me and proves that he's selfish and also a shity bastard,right?

Yeah.

I don't make love with bastards,especially selfish ones.

bye. Good night.

Going to be 4 am lol

Starting a new year with a new life..
I shall make 2015 a better year

Closer to Him
follow His guidance ...
I will find true happiness

Enough with people fooling me
Having to swallow my pride
To see things I hate it so much
Drinking buckets of my own teardrops

I have enough of it

If no one appreciates me, I will move on to another place
If no one cares about me, I am going to be even more tough
If no one is here to wipe my tears off, I am the one who is responsible to stop it from dropping in the first place.


I shall gain wisdom
Be wiser
Increase my maturity

Love myself,love Him
Most important in my life,
Is to never stop having faith and be clear of what I want and strive for the best.

I won't be that stupid anymore
great lessons learned,

Never to sacrifice for someone unless he's really your husband and he don't mind doing th same to you

Never to pour out so much of effort because they will take it for granted unless he reciprocates back to you.

Don't ever trust someone who looks like you are his whole world to him but the truth is, when he has something else, he don't mind doing things that you don't like, every sweet things start to fall off and brings you back to reality

All boys are the same,  every single one of them ;they will eventually get tired of you, they like to have many friends that are girls, they think money can buy a girl's heart, they take girl's tears for granted, they rant at social network sites like keyboard warriors with lots of feelings but they are truly a coward in real life, they are all filled with ego...fucking egoistic guys. Their words may sound pleasing but in reality,it's just bullshit. They don't give a fuck about the mistakes they make and don't even bother to learn from it.  Even if you made the first move, he don't fucking care. Even if he's at the wrong state and you were the one indirectly still care about every single shit thing about him...he will fucking ignore you and leaving you in despair,making you look so dumb .

No,I won't be that dumb anymore

Someone else deserve to have my jealousy all over him and my possessiveness towards him
Not someone who adds fire to my jealousy and takes me possesiveness as a fucking joke.

bYe.