From Oxford 😊

Greetings from Oxford, United Kingdom

I am so tired that I slept so much when I arrived here
I don't have energy to go out ...
Here is so much colder compared to türkiye ...

Spending my New Years eve and new year here

When new year comes.. A resolution is commonly made and was never achieved

I don't hope for anything except for happiness

I have to let go of things that make me unhappy even if I love them a lot

With all the negativity around me,I have to remain positive to stay happy

If he don't appreciate my effort, I don't think he deserve anything from me anymore

I just want to tell you that I never regret what I had done for you in the past

Also,if you ever start a new relationship with someone else,
Don't commit the same mistake you have did to me

Don't ever lose her like how you lose me

If you ever make her angry, don't ...dont don't let her wait for you to fix your shit up because no,you make things worse for her as she gets more depressed day by day

Maybe you don't have to listen because you will find someone better than me because I'm too possessive,gets jealous easily........



I am all worn out ..

I deserve something more better in life
I have to move on ,I have to fight for myself

You can continue to ignore me
Until the end,I still have to pour out my effort
But never mind
Goodbye 2014, goodbye to you

Hi

Greetings from Istanbul,Türkiye.

i lost my phone in the airplane 

I don't know how it happened but it did 

No whatsapp no sms 

//

Suppose to be sleeping but I have million thoughts in my mind and i just have to convey it all out

Turkey is a beautiful country ..

I love Pamukkale and Kapadokya the most!

Will share more when I come back... 

......

These few days,I'm breaking out my boundaries and limits

No more becoming a loyal girl to her one and only love,

Just being herself again

An outgoing person who loves meeting new people ..

For so many years,

I had restricted myself to do things that seems to near betrayal or not loyal to him

I avoid anything that brings me to a situation that I have to interact with boys

But this trip..not anymore.

Why I am doing this?

Because he did,so why can't i?

Why I want to restrict myself when perhaps he's okay with me being not that conservative?

Because I hate it so much when a guy does that to me

In this trip,

I learned to hug guys,show affection to guys and doing appropriate skinship

it felt so great.. 

But no..I'm not interested in them 

It was fun when he touched my face because he wanted to hear me scream out of coldness 

And when I touched his face,I felt warm and comfortable 

It felt good when the weather was cold and we were all having group hug in the middle of the path 

When I am sleepy, I can lean on his back and close my eyes ....

Pushing each other in the bus ..

Having a little girl sleeping on my lap,my arms and literally everywhere she can around my body

Laughing out loud together till people telling us to shut up...

Taking weird photos together ...

Playing scary games together

Dancing together in the streets like mad people 

Like a couple but no 

I just felt like I needed love and someone could give me something similar 

I just openly accept any kind of warm interactions.....

You know what,

I've never done this with someone i really adore the most

It's funny and weird at the same time right?

He doesn't like taking photos..

He's shy and not outgoing

He can't give me as much attention like how other boys can

Maybe he can,maybe he could

I've always..always..wanted to travel with him

Doing all my first time with him...

I also wanted to be a part of all of his first moments 

Unfortunately.. 

I'm not the first one to travel with him without parents and teacher's guidance 

I lost hope but it's okay 

I won't be that possessive anymore because I'm sure, all of my first moments won't be having any of his participation in it 

Again,

Like I say,

I will not show any interest in younger boys because I can only see them as cute little boys that I should protect and not mature enough for my taste

This trip, is actually very very very good

My parents gave me full freedom for walking alone and experiencing every little tiny things I can experience

Maybe because of that,I feel like a loner 

But then I have travel buddies ... Everything is so different

I want to say,

I love them all very much and thank you for making this a memorable trip for me.

-

Friday
10am in the morning.



I'm feeling awake
I kept reminding myself not to cry for the same man over and over again
I'm still young
If it's a mistake,I should let it go and try again

Slept with millions of thoughts,woke up with millions of thoughts
Today,I thought of it again when I woke up

You said you still like me
But the truth is
You don't anymore
I will accept it calmly

If you like someone
You will still care
You won't ignore
And you will just be like other guys
Never stop proving your affectionate side to your girl
Keeping her calm and happy
Not to have tears dripping down from her eyes

Just admit it and say it out loud and clear that
You don't have feelings for me anymore
Or you are disgusted by the way i stir things up just because you went for a trip and you are not initiative enough and you bloody hell treated me like how you treat other girls making me feeling so insecure and not special at all

When I see other people same age as us having a relationship,
I told myself not to compare because our happiness can be found in different ways than other people
But as time comes,
Burden accumulates on me
I have reached the limits of compromising and acting like it's okay for you to do all those things
Despite of many times I have confronted you about it
You seems to never learn,don't care or maybe it just runs in your blood that you ant change it anymore

When I see other people showering love with each other,
I imagined that could be us too
But the reality I knew was
A girl trying hard to get attention from her boyfriend who constantly keeps quiet and playing his phone
A girl who who is satisfied even just a small kiss from her boyfriend or maybe one single look from him
As if making that girl an annoying bitch who clings around her boyfriend who doesn't have feeLings for her anymore

I could have ended everything so much earlier or before
But
I still love you so much
I couldn't do that
Because I still do
I did things that not a girl would have done
I tolerate,compromise every single inch of you unlike any other girls

However
If you eat a piece of rotten apple everyday
You will get sick ....
I think I'm sick

If you still have feelings for me
The person who text you first isn't me anymore
It was suppose to be the other way round
You wouldn't say time would cure
Because to me,time wouldn't cure because we haven't ended yet
Why would time cure when there's someone that can cure faster and more effectively?
Everyday you will try to talk to me
But why is it...the other way round?

You told me you will meet me today
But you forgotten you don't care you made a fool out of me

I am so dumb and stupid to still care about an unrequited love right?

It's either you end this by saying you don't like me anymore
Or you stop hurting me

There's no such thing as you still have feelings for me but you don't talk to me you ignore me you tell me to wait

:-)

it's Friday 2am in the morning and I'm still not asleep yet....
Million of thoughts in my mind but I'm unable to convey it

Night like this fears me
Depression slowly eats up my light soul
I'm able to sleep but I'm reluctant to.

Because I'll always wait
Waiting for my soul to be repaired,from pieces to a brand new form

no matter it's from home or love's root
I'm feeling pressured
As if the whole world is on my shoulders
I can feel every gram of the weight pressing on me

If God is willing to grant me a one day peace in my nest wish,
I will be thankful for it
To be able to change my breadwinner's temper
My wish will be easier to fulfill

If God is willing to guide me the way for a better love life,
I promise I will educate our future kids to be an angel

When they start to fight and yell,
I feel small
When he starts to ignore me,
I feel like my heart is ripping
The results will always be the same

Day by day,
A crack of my heart becomes a hole
I started to silent myself and find pleasure from entertainment
I think of Him and speak out my worries and concerns to Him
That is the least I can do for myself.

i had done my best
I tried to enlighten the mood
I tried talking to you
I tried...at least I tried
At least I did something that no one wanted to do it first

The problem is
I'm the only one who wanted to fix everything back
No one...no one wants to fix it with me
I thought we are a family,we are committed in a relationship
I guess nothing last forever and
With only one effort,nothing's gonna work

Man proposes God disposes
I tried my best
And now everything is left for God to decide
Anything that happen ,I shall accept and face it

Until the end
All that left was only me walking alone on the route


I shall live on
So my efforts are not wasted thus appreciated and utilized

wait...
wait...
wait........

WAIT?

how about you go and tell a cancer patient to wait for another decade to do his chemotherapy treatment?


how about you go and tell your parents to wait till they get old so you can start to be a filial son?


how about you go and tell the kids to wait till they grow up so you can start teaching them to walk and talk?


how about you wait till the fire burns down the whole house only you start to dial for the fire brigade?


how about you wait till my feelings are all gone so you can start to fix things at YOUR RIGHT TIME?


you say you still have feelings for me
you say you wanna fix things
you say you want to find the right time


until now..
you are still so selfish

.............

i am so ..so ..so ...extremely.... dumb to actually still care about you at this time
i am still thinking .. what were you doing right now...how were you ... have you taken your meals..and etc etc etc
i've never been this irrational
people say love is blind
yea i'm blind

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

..........
why do you still want me to suffer till your right time comes?

do you not care about my feelings anymore?

no , maybe you don't

but still

why you do want to make yourself suffer too?

my father taught me,
when a problem arise, a solution needs to be taken quick,fast and accurate to avoid the problem from becoming bad to worse.

i don't see the point waiting for YOUR right time now
when YOUR right time comes,it might not be my right time anymore


why ....
to be honest, i want this to be fixed quickly before i leave
but you........

yeah.
you're just another selfish bastard

you still want things to go your way?
fine


if you want everything to go your way,fine,you go yours and i'll go mine.
we wont cross roads because we deal things differently

..................

i've swallowed my pride
asking you if you want to fix things

i've never seen..never seen someone who asked someone who was doing wrong to fix things

and this is happening to us.

wasn't it suppose to be YOU saying you wanna fix things ,you want us to be back to normal?

no

why am i the one pouring efforts AGAIN?!?!!?!!?!

I'MSOPISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i swallowed my pride

it's like i'm begging you to actually fix things so that I CAN FORGIVE YOU AND BACK TO HOW WE USED TO BE

I FUCKING SWALLOWED MY PRIDE AND YOU ... just played with it


i .. silent myself from you for a few days
hoping you still care about me
but no

you did not

you
didn't
even
care
to
send
a
message

and
yet
you
say
you
still
like
me

.......
i'm so fucking pissed off that my eyes are so dry it won't cry for you anymore


YOU SAY YOU LIKE ME AND THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT ME?

fine

i stopped this whole cold treatment thing by sending you a message
and guess what?
i swallowed my pride again

asking you to fix things before i leave
actually more like begging you to ask me out so that we can both solve this thing
and guess what
i swallowed my pride
and what i got from you?

WAIT.

today i might live,tomorrow i might not..
just how long you want me to wait? .....
when i get on that plane,
i entrusted my life to the pilot's hands

with all those missing plane,plane crashed happening this year..

i'm scared i might never get to see you again

you might think this is rubbish

but no ...everything is possible





xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

if you wonder why i blocked you on twitter

because i'm afraid every single tweet of mine will stab you right into your heart

i like to express every single thing i feel at that current moment in twitter

you say you get notification when i tweet

why would i want to ruin your mood with my tweet

it's best if you don't see my tweet


and also,
all the tweets you favourite are visible
those people who favourite your tweets are also visible

stab stab stab right through my heart.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

i hate myself so much for having this kind of personality,
jealous easily,fucking possessive.....
i know both of these will ruin any kind of relationship
i've tried...tried so hard to change it
but no, i just can't as if it runs in my blood and i can only make them disappear if i disappear too

i'm sorry, jun xian
because of my bad traits,
i will always..always...always create problems for you
i will hurt you endlessly
but
you know what
it hurts me ten times as much as i hurt you

because other than your family, no one loves you as much as i do


bye

with all the photos posted

i find myself haunted and depressed

i cant.........

!!!!!!!!!!

you finally board that train

you exchanged it with my happiness







you still don't understand
you never will
......


you don't act so smart like you know everything about me

i don't like it not because i'm jealous,not because i'm afraid you will flirt

dumb ass don't jump to conclusion when you don't even know how i feel


you know what?
because you assume i'll feel this way,i'll feel that way
but the truth is i feel nothing the same as what you think

_______________________________________________________


after this whole thing,
you will finally suffer as much as i do

i finished my suffering,
now its your turn

i'm returning every pain,every tears you gave me back to you,10 times worse.

!!!!!!!

don't say you don't want separation
give me freedom let me free.

relationship is a matter of 2, not 1.
if you don't want doesn't means i don't want too.

you want something, but you don't want to work for it
when things don't work,you still sit there shaking your legs crossing your arms.

no.
it won't work anymore


things are not going to work your way anymore!!!!!!!!


you picked that trip, i'll pick another guy.


i'll make you regret

December love.

december has come
i welcomed it with open hands
hoping it will give me blessings,happiness and love
because to me,
December is a month for us to spread love and express gratitude

you know what?
i thought december would be a disaster for me
but no, i feel ease, i feel relieved, i feel thankful
to be near to God, to be loved by family and friends,
still able to give love, still able to express gratitude

december is a month of winter season,
with snow , with coldness
i think that will make me feel nice
..................