end

why am I here again?


i feel so sad


i've been crying every night

a part of me wanted to leave, a part of me wanted to stay


i'm in a state of confusion
where lights don't guide me to where I want to go
where dark don't give out the feeling of fear to me anymore


but i'm slowly,getting used to it.

i don't think of you as frequent as last time
i don't wanna stick with you anymore

do you know what it means?


my heart is slowly getting colder .......
and i'm getting even more depressed.

=====================

you know shit happened when you cry over a marriage
i did
this morning.

neighbour getting married and all the honks... got me crying again

not because its touching , its because ...............

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

i was so near,so near in ending it.

you never seemed to make an effort,why should I?

you only care about what is going to happen,what am I going to do,what I eat, where I go...

do you even know there are more important things going on?

of course you don't

maybe you know,
but just that you don't care anymore


i prefer questions like,

how are you feeling today? 
are you feeling happy?
are you feeling sad?
why are you sad?
why are you angry?
what can i do to make you happy again?


no.

fuck this relationship

i'm ending this once and for all.

hi

hi
i'm here to update again

song of the day :

.................

the more I hold on to this relationship, the more I'm feeling unhappy.
the reason why i'm still holding on to it, it's because the efforts I've made for these past few years,the happy moments we've been through together and of course, the sad and tears we've suffered together.

day by day it passes by, my feeling became lesser and lesser and it might actually completely vanish in thin air by..next year?

i'm getting so tired

i'm so tired of you

are you even listening?

i'm getting tired of you

are you there to listen to my words?

......................

we've started too young, then we'll end young too?

i don't know what to say, i'll just say i'm so fucking tired of you, so fucking tired

i don't know how to put my thoughts into words

my disappointment is beyond words

YOU,

if you don't start putting pieces back together, i am giving up us.

i'm serious because i don't joke this kind of things

you never change ,don't you?


after so many years, do you not understand what kind of person am I?
I DOUBT.
you know me so well ........ but

we don't match well

you fucking tell me you know who am I but so what?
you know i hate it,so what?
you know i like attention so what?

have you ever try adjusting? NOPE

you know i was jealous, you don't give a fuck

you know i hate it, you went and do it

you know i like attention, you don't give it.

this is the exact kind of person you are


because you know i love you a lot,
because you know i will forgive you every time you try to stir shit things up,
because you know i don't have the courage to leave you alone,

so you took advantage of my feelings to you

to do more shit things to me.

no.
STOP
you're such a fucking moron


never mind
i will just let my feelings fade away
and good bye to you.

27/11/2014

spm is fucking over.

a sense of ease and relief!

thank you God for Your guidance so that I am able to be in a 100% perfect condition to sit for SPM.

I would like to express my gratitude to all teachers who have taught me or not taught me from form 1 to form 5 who are dedicate enough to give us knowledge

Thank you to all who motivate me,support me...

Thank you everyone ..

" Man proposes , God disposes "

If efforts are made, leave everything to God.

:)

best of luck to all spm candidates 2014
we shall meet again with tears of joy or tears of grief next year in the month of March.

141111

what day is today?
it's pepero day!!!!!!!

someone received a pepero few days ago.......

i wanna give pepero to you too ^^;;

i'm replaying Danger and Rewind everyday now 

i'm re-watching Taemin's performance every now and then

i'm loving all SM's solo artists, ex: Henry,Taemin and Zhoumi...

sobs sobs sobs my kokoro can't handle

but of course I love Taemin the most

tbh i miss him so much 

even if he's wearing a surgical mask, i'm still like his face a lot better

i appreciate airport photos a lot 

because..... taemin usually don't put on make up or at least bb cream/foundation onto his face when he's boarding a flight

[reminds me of the cakey makeup he had in smtown that made me cringe so much]

well.......

today in airport,he decided to sit down and have a drink so he took off his mask

you know what... when he took off his mask, i realized the reason why i fell for him at first 

because of his plan no makeup look on his face 

ah yes when he don't put on makeup,his young look appeals to me a lot.........

i don't think taemin really likes putting on make up but SHINee's strong concepts make him put on eyeliners and eyeshadows .....which made him look feminine 

yes taemin,don't put on makeup please 

your skin looked so much healthier ...

i actually think you look better with acne scars,pimples and uneven colouration on your face 

sigh i'm crazy over you so much

yah yah yaaaaaah 

despite different religions, i find him so fucking attractive when he prays/devote himself to God

to be honest, i had already made a decision for myself.

i'm not going to have a religion (which does not equivalent to an atheist)

i don't buy those religion things 

religion is the reason why people disunites,why people are killed without mercy

however, I shall remain a child of God. I believe His existence, I seek for His assistance. 

As for Taemin, he's a very religious child. 

I know he is 

(tbh i'm very religious too but i don't have a religion //that's so irony// i just find myself very fond and dependent to God )

Every time he prays, he hit my heart's weakest spot... 

taemin is just the most beautiful creature on earth 

even when he's in overseas,he never forgets to pray

if we ever...ever meet ,let's meet in a cathedral in italy or somewhere in the european countries..

i've seen many many many beautiful cathedrals on tv and i'm touched to see them.. 

cathedrals are very beautiful tbh ...especially the one I saw in TV.. La Sagrada Familia in Barcelona..

you know what can enhance the beauty of the cathedral?

it's to see someone (most probably Taemin) praying with a sincere heart. 

Every time he thanks God after his success, 

and yes, and during his 2nd win of Danger, he thanked God in his speech ... 

I was watching live that time and I actually understand his whole speech even though it was in korean... 

when he wears rosary rings,rosary bracelet and rosary ear rings,

because the members know how he cherishes his rosary ring a lot ...thats why key decided to pick it up right away instead of picking it up later and increase the possibility of his ring getting smashed and kicked... [well if its just a normal ring.no one would care about it]

When Taemin does his "blessing thing" (i don't know what its called)

the most important is not only to pray for yourself but to pray for others too.

When he gives others rosary beads and rosary ring...

that girl is Donika.. as you can she she's actually ill

Taemin gave her the rosary bracelet he's been wearing for ages... 

my heart kinda felt the warmth...

oh,

which boyfriend will give his girlfriend a rosary bracelet? 

it was blessed by a priest too.... 

// where to find a boy who is that religious //

i find it so hard to find a guy who is like that 

in conclusion, i really admire this part of him ....... 

there's so many many many things I really love about him , for example his deep thoughts,his sarcasm,his humour XD (well sometimes his humours just give me shivers because ..it was cold. lol)

oh taemin

today wasn't really a pretty day for me

i hate HATE hate I really HATE people not giving me full attention

he made me feel like a cheap person without any sense of dignity

nope i did not do something i am not suppose to do 

what's the point of showering all my love and kisses to someone who....don't appreciate it?

you know the point i shower all these things to you and i got back this type of treatment hurts me alot? 

.......... i don't understand sometimes

yeah 

you are so worried that i will fucked up your game

look at your looks, your reaction when i touch your phone

you deleted the photos i took of you [i seriously hate this a lot]

you touch your phone even though i'm in front of you

i don't waste my time on you telling you to play your phone in front of me

i'm so disappointed

no don't say i started it first and put the blame on me

yeah because i want to share my hard time playing that level

i asked for your help, and you said NO. 

okay fine

fuck you and your phone and your treatment

thank you for making me realize how dumb i am 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

oh taemin oh taemin..............................................................................

here's the 2nd gift for you >> 2nd gift :-)

if you could ever try.... to understand

but no.

you...

goodbye.

the rain that speaks my mind

it was raining outside...

just like what it likes inside my heart 

how to continue to write this when i'm already crying......

................................ 

i'm just so fucking fragile 

someone chided me again .........

=============================================

if you ever... read this by the slightest chance.. I hope you will understand 

here's a song as my gift for you >> your 1st gift

To, the only and only beloved 

.....i don;t know how to start the letter and everything now seems like a nightmare to me 

.................. 

................................. there's so many things I wanna say, so many feelings I wanna convey but ....i do not know how to put it into words

i want to let you go

to see if i still care about you

but even when i haven't let you go ,

i was already dead crying wetting my pillow 

but theres just a barrier between us 

i can't seem to cross,you can't seem to cross too and we both can't seem to break it too.

i am sorry

...................................

......................................

may God bless you 

._.

before I start everything, here's a nice song >> CLICK HERE

well..no.

here's a better song to suit the mood ... click here :-)

..........

this is the last time i'll fall in love.....

............

i feel so pain right now

............................

my heart feels heavy, every second when it pump blood,i can feel the pain, my heart squeezes and my tears are not hiding anymore

..........................................................

i don't think i can continue anymore...

every single thing in my mind that keeps popping in and out made me hurts

my brain could not think of anything else.



i've never felt so hurt before... never once.

6217 days alive

no matter how sweet the chocolate is,it will still expire; so as feelings for someone special.

3rd day of SPM and i'm here
not because i'm lazy,it's because i'm used to gluing myself to the computer.

Just realize I update every time when the world around me start to shatter piece by piece,forming depressing black gloomy clouds in my heart and little tears welled up my eyes without an urge to fall.

Today is just another day when the day doesn't seems right even though the sun was shining brightly as usual and the clouds are just as blue as my mood.

I've not been myself lately,nope correction, i've changed.

Ever since that dream happened, I'm never the same person anymore.

About what I have dreamed about,I have no intention in revealing it but I sincerely believe I have saw the light.....

I realize when I woke up, my feelings started to change ..
=================================================================

why am I starting to change?
not only because i saw the light but also the people around me.

to be honest,I seek for happiness and joy outside than my house. A feeling, a freedom, fresh air that none of my family members could give me.

when I think about my family, all I think was things that happened lately that made me think deeply and thoroughly.....

Once in a while, I was thinking ...if i'm not a great daughter at all? Once in a while, I hope for something that isn't monetary in my family. Once in a while, I desire parents' love. Once in a while,I seek attention from my house. Once in a while, I just need a hug,need some motivation,need a sense of warmth on my shoulders telling me that everything is going to be fine from home. Once in a while, I wish I have the courage to cry in front of them. Once in a while, I wish I could say something that is on my mind and covey my ideas to them.

The answer to everything was, you have to rely on yourself. Until the end,only you will support yourself. You are the only one who can give yourself comfort....

People often say the only place to heal is your own home.

What happens if your home is the place where all your problems got activated?

...........
It's not that I don't feel contented, i'm just curious...

I always thought there's something else in every parent's responsibility list except feeding your child food daily,sending them to school,prepare comfortable are for them,buying them necessities ...

I know what was lacking, it was love.

if there is one day, everyone started to talk to me nicely at home instead of starting an argument when everyone starts to open their mouth... I'll be thankful for each day

but

sadly, there isn't a day like this in my life anymore.

is there a day when peace actually exist at home?

yes there is peace

when both refuse to talk to each other .

nowadays, loneliness seems to come more often during weekends.

I know how my brother feels.
He wants something else but he couldn't get it
Thus//// if he can.. he preferred to not approach him if possible.
which means I'm left alone again.

I know how my sister feels.
She needs love when she's staying alone outside
but when she reached home
All I see was just sad faces and what I heard was just ugly words from her to him.

I know how the one who gave birth to me feels.
................

at last, I know how I feel.
I'm feeling the worst.
In fact, I'm in the worst position that anyone could be in right now
In my age, I still could not act like an adult,
I need to respect, I still need monetary support


but you know what,it's impossible to actually know entirely how someone felt.....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm now currently in one of the biggest turning point in my life.

I feel like letting go of my first love.

Astonishing,right?

That's how I feel right now

You may wonder,

how am I suppose to let go of someone that I love with my whole heart and soul?

.. like I said previously

I've changed.


well.. let me open up a new post about this,k?


stay tuned