Hey, it's me.
Yeah, it's me again, Sue Ann.
It's..4th of January today. 4th day of a new year, 2018.
Why am I here? Probably because I really wanted to express myself through writing. I'm done expressing myself by crying, singing, dancing, grieving... the last thing I ever want to do to console myself is to write. Why write? Because until the end, I never want to stop writing because I really really do love writing. I love how writing is able to put my thoughts into words (although sometimes I really do find it difficult to do so), I love how powerful words are, how strong they can impact on one's mind. I love how writing is able to break the barriers of human communication because writing possesses the power and magic that speaking does not have.
I remembered, the reason why I started this blog is because I really..really..wanted to express myself through writing. I want to give powers to my words and tell the whole world about how I feel. If you know me, I ain't a vocal kind of person. I like keeping things to myself, I love to remain mysterious and I'm just not really good at putting my thoughts to the tip of my tongue. That's why writing has always been a perfect way for me to ease my easily stressed up mind..
Well, new year huh. It's been.. almost 4 months since I've updated huh. I shall, of course, give you some rewind of what has happened for the whole of 2017.
In short, 2017, has been hell to me. It's been the worst of the worst I've ever experienced. I know what you're gonna say, in your head, you'll be thinking, "it's the same for everyone every single year. it is the same awful year for everyone. learn to suck it up" . Let me clarify this, 2017 is nothing as compared to the past 20 years I've been living on this planet. It wrecked me up so badly. I cried so much, so badly, so loud. I can't recall happy memories at all, at this current moment. Everything that is coming up to me about 2017 now, it's all sorrowful. If i have the choice, I would never, ever, want to go through the life pattern of 2017 in the future. I have enough. The pain is unbearable. There were so many instances when I ask myself, "what the heck have I done wrong to deserve this?", "when is this going to end?", Just when I thought things were getting better, of course, another thing has to come up and shove a nice punch into my stomach. Well, life, has been, a challenge for me. Living, isn't difficult for me, but living happily, it was..so difficult.
First, would like to start,
A follow up to previous post, yes, I know many has already know by now, even If I don't announce it loud, I already broke up with my ex. He was a scum. I am very sorry for his loss, and I'm utterly sorry for my arrogance in saying this but, yes, he was at the loss. I gained so much from this. Yeah, pretty bitchy to say this kind of things after a break up huh? Let me tell you this, I wasn't even sad, I didnt even shed a single fucking tear after this broke up.. because he totally don't deserve this. I hope a scum like you, will learn to love people properly. If not, be prepared to leave alone forever. I treated you like a proper boyfriend, if it wasn't for your big faults that I couldn't unsee, you will still be my boyfriend for now even though you have so much flaws in you. It was hell when I started to see the truth in you. You drove me to the corners, I was so mad, so mad, so mad at myself. Why did I have to do so much of sacrifice for you? I,sometimes, hate myself for pouring so much in a relationship without using my brain for a second. I hate myself, for thinking love would be simple if both have feelings for each other. I was naive, so stupid, so dumb to think that way. This guy, made me hate myself, for as long as I could remember. "I hated myself for doing this, I hated myself for doing that, I hated myself for acting this way, why am I thinking things like that?" is all I could questioned myself towards the end of our relationship. Why did it became so toxic all of the sudden? He still wanted to gain benefits from me from the very very very last second even though I broke down into tears so badly at that moment because I couldn't save anything that is so broken from the start and that was the time, I suddenly became so awake. I suddenly woke up, felt like God gave a great knock onto my head. That was the only time I was proud of myself for doing the right thing. I asked him to leave, leave, get out of my life. ... Best decision ever made. Ever since that day, I scolded him so badly, all of my negative thoughts flow into him, it was the best moment because I've never seen him not giving any stupid excuses for his mistakes because all of my words are the truth that poked right into his heart. Yes, and his actions, to be exact, his blasphemy acts, has made me realized how fake, how pretentious he is, and at the same time, it made my love for God stronger. I want to protect myself, protect the things that I love and protect the name of God from toxic people. After he left, there was nothing left in me. No burden, no pain, no nothing. It's just a sense of ease.. I feel so relieved. It felt like there's nothing on my shoulders.. I can finally breathe, I can finally get back to the life that I've wanted. This separation, it was a great gain for me, I learned so many many things, I learned to protect the things that I cherish, I know what are things that I do not want and learn to reject it, I learned that some people in life, no matter how much effort you put in, if they are not compatible means they are not. You can't force them, just let it go..
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Another big blow in my life, came in from the very last moments of 2017, I knew everyone knew about this but I still want to say this,
i really miss you a lot, kim jong hyun.
writing that above sentence, i have not even started to write about you, my tears are already flowing out. i really..really..miss you very much. I don't know what I can say to you anymore.. everything that I have wanted to say, I wrote it in the letter and gave it to you.. I hope my words are sent to you in heaven, my angel. Everything that I want to convey to you, can be summarized into three phrases, which are, "i'm sorry, thank you, i love you"...
even right now, I am still in denial. It felt like you have never left, you are still here with me, I can still hear your voices in my headphones, I can still see you in the corner of my room, your videos, your photos, they are everywhere in my electronic devices. When I open my cupboard, I see your smile. I don't think you have left me, or maybe, I want to think that you have never left me.
What hurt me so much, what caused me to be so emotional is not about your death, it's when I imagine how much, how much, how much of the pain and the sufferings you had before you decided to leave. When I think of that, my heart.. it turned so sour, my head hurts so badly.. I cried and I cried. Just...what has pushed you to the edge to do this.. why did God gave you so much that you can't handle it that you have to end it so badly.. Wasn't there a better way to do this?
when i first came into the fandom, i knew, you were the one who cried a lot a lot among the 5 of them. that's when I know, you were the weakest. You look strong from the outside, but from the inside,you are fragile. But.. what can I do? I hate myself, for not being able to do something for you. I hate myself, for not knowing you personally. If i were there for you, I wouldn't have let you.. I would have protected you with all my might..
jonghyun, i know it's too late to say this but.. i really really love you a lot. Although I claimed that Taemin is my only one if I have to choose but still, I really really really love you a lot. In fact, I love all 5 of you so much, if I were to lose anyone of you, I will lose a part of myself. I don't know what to say, but I really really really really do love you a lot and I want you to know this, even if you left. I'm sorry to not have let you know when you were in pain but right now, at least right now, at this moment, I want you to know you are heavily, deeply, much love by me and I will bring this love to my graveyard with me.
Right now, it felt so painful in the heart. it's been almost coming to 3 weeks and I'm still here, mourning every day. The last person I think is you, the first person I think of, is also you. Why have I not accepted that you have actually left this cruel world? probably because you have never left my heart. You were always there in my heart. The truth is, you'll never leave, you'll always stay in the bottom of my heart. You'll always own a special place inside my heart. I'll never forget you... I hope you find peace,wherever you are right now. I hope God is near you, protecting you ...
In this period of time when you left, our fandom has become a total mess. We were all mourning, grieving to the loss ... The negativity affected me very badly. However, I am thankful to have shawols along the way. Thanks to them, I was able to cry out my sorrowfulness, I was able to temporary get rid of that emptiness in me .. Their tweets, they were all so sad yet meaningful.. it made me cry.. it consoled me, it gave me strength. It feels good to still know, there will always be someone patting your back,telling you that you're not alone in this.. So.. please, God.. protect them too.
Shawols, suffered so much in 2017. We were finally getting that ot5 we have always wanted but at the end, we lost it, forever. Please, Lord, please, I beg you, protect the boys. Please protect them...
(i'm so sorry at this current point if you're reading this and you felt like everything is all over the place, my thoughts are disarray, a lot of things are very confusing to you.. that's because this is what is currently in my mind)
His death, showed us how ugly human can be. I really do not want to talk about this but those who joke about his death, joke about depression, make fun of people mourning for his death, I wish none of you or your close ones ever suffered from depression. If you do, I wish you will never see those jokes when you are in that state. I was so mad, so angry, seeing how insensitive people could be, how religion can destroy humanity..
If you think mental illness is a joke, the joke is on you. If you see people trying to comfort themselves, making them feel better for the loss by holding vigil and you think it's silly, you have to keep that opinion to yourself. Learn to speak at the right timing. Those religious authorities, I do not what to say, I don't wanna leave comment about this here.
Looking at the bright side, Jonghyun has taught me, showed me, that my sufferings and my pain.. is nothing as compared to his, which means, what I'm feeling right now, what I'm handling right now, is still within my capabilities. I should be grateful that I still want to live, I still want to change my life, I still want to hold on and I know, there are people who are there for me..
jong hyun ah , you'll be loved forever.
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Earlier of 2017, I thought I would lose someone that I loved so dearly. I nearly, lose someone that I love and also who love me. I felt like at that moment of time, it was the beginning of the functionality of my tears pipe. I started crying so much at that time, and I've never stopped crying since then. I became so dark. When I'm alone, all I could think was to sleep, hoping I would sleep away the negativity and wake up feeling happy and positive again but it isn't that way.
At first, I thought it wasn't serious when I received the message. That's because in my memories, in my mind, in my heart, she has always, always been strong. I know her health has been deteriorating due to old age but I know, she has always been stable. She could eat, she could sleep, she could breathe properly, she could still move slightly. God has been great to her. Until when I went back to Johor, my dreams shattered. Reality emerged in front of me. It was horrible, the situation was intense, everything was deadly. At that moment of life, all I wish was to pack my bags and go back to KL because I know, I'm not mentally prepared for this. This is not the reality that I want. I can't break down in front of everyone, I have to be strong, at least show that I'm strong in front of my mother. I can't show my weakness in front of everyone. From a healthy grandmother, to a grandmother that is now bedridden suffering, this is hell for me. Witnessing her sufferings, couldn't recognize anyone of us, hearing her struggling to breathe properly, seeing her tube feeding... everything.. it's painful for me. It felt like thousand of knives stabbing right into my heart. I couldn't bother to see her for more than 3 minutes because I know, I wasn't prepared for this. For this whole trip, I saw her thrice i guess. and for the rest of the time I'm there, I was always in the room alone, weeping silently, praying to God, staring into the ceiling. There was this moment.. I wish God would end all of this sufferings but this is so selfish for me to say. I wish God will give me all the pain of losing her while she leave without suffering so much. It's easy to say but deep down, I know I never want to lose her.
Everything is so painful.. That's why when Jonghyun left, I would at least think that, it's better to have him go without feeling the pain instead of staying here feeling so burdened..because that's what I wanted my grandmother to feel. To feel painless.. leaving all the pain of losing to us who are still capable of it.
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My family matter is not getting any better. I do not want to publicly disclose so much, because I feel like this is all too personal.. but I still wish, writing some things about it would help me to overcome it. My family, well , it's also another major factor why I'm getting darker and darker.. there are so much of negativity in here. my father, i can't comprehend him. i don't know how long i can tolerate this. i feel so stressful facing him. his words, is nothing near honey to my ears, they are like spears piercing through my heart. every one of the words he spoke from his mouth, there's nothing i would like to process in my brain. how can a man, be so bad tempered all the time? how can a man, not even want to show his love for even one second of his life? I don't understand at all. I cannot comprehend any of his doings anymore. When he talks, i automatically shut down my system, my brain do not want to process what he is talking anymore because it doesn't make any sense to me anymore. he's constantly berating me as if i'm a sinner for life, i've done so many bad things that i deserve all of this scoldings. i don't understand. i think i have fulfilled my basic requirements of becoming a great daughter. I know i can become a better one, if you would have given me the chance. I can't be a better one, I know i have the potential to become a better daughter, but you re burning that bridge between us. what have i done wrong in life to be treated like this? i know i should be grateful, thankful for even having a father in my life, who is there to work his ass off to make sure i eat well, i sleep well, i get to dress well and i get good education.. Yes, indeed, I eat a lot, i have a place where i can sleep soundly, i can purchase many beautiful garments, and i get to study at sunway .. yes, i'm considered very much well off as compared to many people. i'm contented, i'm thankful for everything I have but really.. I'd give up all those luxuries to have my dad treat me nicer, softer and gentler. What's the point of having those things when I'm constantly stressed out at home? i think the worse thing a daughter can ever witness is how her father treated his mother so badly. i can't . yep, people can say, "you know his attitude, his personality..its like that la" . well sorry i can't accept that statement because people should change if its bad. i don't know if he realized it or not, my family is getting... .
im tired of this, really.
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as for studies in 2017, i guess i'm coping it well because I'm not setting high standards for myself. Having to wake up everyday at 5.00am, coming home at 6.00pm, spending almost 1.5 hours on the road driving just for school , i think it's worth it because i love receiving knowledge. I love studying, i love learning new things. So all of these, I am totally fine with it. I think my passion in learning has helped me cope with many many difficulties that normally a student would face. I guess, the passion and curiousity of learning has kept me alive, giving me hope that with the new knowledge i gained, I can be a better me :) .
of course, there will always be a downside to everything. it's draining my energy to do this almost everyday of course. if there's an usual crawl on the road, yeah, the stress level is there. After years of driving, I'm still not liking the idea of driving. I am a pampered female, so I still love someone to drive me around but well ,it's for education so I have to, of course, force myself to drive. I'm tired, I lack of time to study, I have to rush for assignments...
To be honest, I was going to say my study life was also below average but I took back my words after I realized, if I remove my ex from my study life, everything seems to be doing very well for my studies. Yeah, i was going to talk about my study life including my ex in it, it is also considered hell because the amount of tolerance i have put up for him is humongous and i often got angry at myself because i can't show my temper to my other teammates. however, if you exclude him, yes, my study life is beautiful.
2017, was the first time I suffered from panic attacks. I have panic attack when I was in the exam because my mind suddenly went blank and I couldn't remember anything that I've studied in test. The experience was really bad, tears came out from my eyes and my hands was shaking intensely and suddenly I was out of breath. I calmed myself down and I stopped writing. When I started holding my pen again, it started again. That feeling, everything, it was horrible. I was so scared at that moment that I thought I would fail that paper. Right now, I still have that high possibility of failing that paper since I dislike Management Accounting. I wish, I will never have panic attacks anymore in the future. it sucked.
i met a few friends this year and it was great. I got very close to one of them. She's my ultimate bff in uni right now. I love her so much in the sense that she feeds my soul so well. Talking to her, hear her comforting words, I felt like my soul wasnt that dark after all. How should I put this? She heals my soul. I find solace in her. It feels very comforting to talk to her, to pour out my negativity to her. She listens well, she responds to it well too I'm so grateful that God has let me met her T_T. If it wasn't for her.. I don't know if I would feel so ease by now. I have a close friend which I could also find comfort in it but our distance..it's just too far. Now that I've actually have someone here physically with me, I feel a lot more better. After our first hangout together, we made a promise to further deepen our friendship.. which I find it very meaningful and heart-warming. Just what I needed in life at this moment. as for others that I've met, hangout for some time, I'm also grateful to have you all in my uni social circle. you guys made me feel alive <3
if i talk about my study life, how can I not talk about him? i'm not going to say his real name but let's just name his Z. To be really honest with you, he's one of the reason why I am so eagerly to go to classes, one of the reasons why I want to study a little more harder.. Right now, I can't tell you if I have true feelings for him but one thing I am certain, I really do like him as in like really admire him. His looks, my god, I swear at some point, he looks a lot, alot like Taemin. That's when he attracted my attention. His voice, also reminds me of Taemin. He has Taemin-ity all over him. His aura, everything, wow, blow my mind, had me glued my eyes onto him. I don't know if its weird to say this but, him wearing a cross over his neck is a plus plus point for me, it makes me feel hot to know that he's actually religious because i am one religious brat too. He's smart, definitely smart. Not fake smart.. Actually, what really attracted me was his sense of mysterious around him. He's quiet, so excluded from everyone.. he can mix his friends whenever he wants to but he can also be alone like a lone wolf whenever he wants to.. I believe, not everyone can possess that power. Let me put it in an easier way, when I look at him, he not only reflects Taemin but also reminds me of me myself. When I look at him, i think we would have lots in common. in conclusion, he makes me happy most of the time. Seeing him, it's like supplement for my soul. However, I guess me and him would only be coursemates, nothing much. I really enjoy admiring him from far, I really love witnessing every small gestures and things he did, the mannerism he has in him but I am still not sure, if i actually want to grab that chance since I'm stepping back from relationship and stuff... We'll see how it goes.
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What's there more to say? Well, my birthday for 2017, wasn't that great either. I was crying a lot that day too. I'm grateful I was alive that day but I was crying in sadness that day. I was very lonely that day. Very,very lonely.
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Christmas? It sucked. All thanks to my dad.
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To summarize this, 2017, a depressing year for me. All I could remember was me crying over stuffs. Just not long ago, I cried again. Crying and crying and crying, makes me realize if I have actually grown up? Shouldn't people cry lesser as they grow up? It goes the other way for me. I do not have tears when I was young but I cry more and more and more as if I understand the pain more as I grow up. For me, I'll take it as a good thing because I will learn to control myself and protect myself if I could understand what is the root of pain and how should I stop all the suffering.
For 2018, I ought to myself, I want to be stronger. I can cry, I can be sad, I can be angry, but after all of these, I want to stand strong. In front of people who I love and those who love me, I want to show myself as someone who people can rely on. For that, I need strength, both physically and mentally. At this point, I know how painful life process can be, so I want people to find comfort in me, to pour all their problems at me, to let me assist them, guide them , I don't want people to feel so much of the pain, because it hurts. Thus, I want to be strong.
I pray to God that He would let me be wiser and keep me close to His arms. Please watch over me. I love You because of the love you have shown to me and Your people, I was able to overcome this much. I wish to spread the love that You have gave to me to everyone who needs it. Thank you so much :')
Thank you everyone who is still reading this. I love you all, Thank you so much for everything. Happy new year, people. please, remember that, sue ann loves you.
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