When was the last time I've updated this blog?
I forgotten,
but every once in a while, I will always come back here, reread everything that I've posted.
I just want to remind myself, show myself, how much I've grown up.
I want to tell myself, how much of shit I've gone through in my life, even though I'm barely living half of the century of my life but I've felt like, I gain so much of experience through everything.
I want everything that I have experienced to be life lessons which will keep my drive accelerating, moving forward and never looking back.
Words are easy to be laid down in blogs, but how can one never look back at the past, especially when the past is beautiful yet sorrowful at the same time?
Yeah, continuing from my previous blog post, he's already my boyfriend and we are together for almost a year and a half. The longer we been together, the more the pieces of dream life shatters, and the truer the reality gets.
Yeah, i'm not sure if I've changed or he has changed. I'm very sure none of us have changed but more like, we present a more true image to each other.
Then, i've realise,what a terrible girlfriend i've been. I still find myself missing every bits of life during secondary school. I was depressed to have come to a realisation that I'll never be able to love a man like how I loved him. When I say depressed, I really do mean it. I don't, or maybe I shouldn't be acting this way but I tend to cling onto past so much that it hurts me indirectly in the future.
I miss those days when there isn't any doubts that I really love someone, and now, I am so unsure about my feelings. It wanders everywhere ... I once self-proclaimed that I'm a loyal bitch that will only love one guy when I'm in a relationship, but look at me now, loving another man while in a relationship :-) I'm just a slut, yeah but am I to blame? That guy, who is holding the title of boyfriend, is he really compatible to be my man? I've been thinking all these while. There's something really certain, he's 100% not intellectual compatible with me. I find it so difficult to go on his mind, understand him. It's been a year and he's getting worse. I'm getting so annoyed all the time, that I have came to a conclusion that I really hate him but I'm too lazy to deal with all these shit again. Speaking of breaking up, I'm not someone who has no feelings. If I don't have feelings, I won't cling onto memories that much and I wouldn't still shed tears over the same things that happened few years ago which I should be forgetting by now. I find myself too selfish at times but ... sometimes, I really question myself a lot and I just want to be bad ... I'm tired of taking other people's thoughts and feelings into considerations while others don't even give a fuck about how I feel.
my boyfriend, he isn't the best , isn't the worst, but maybe just doesn't suit me. I truly prefer someone whose intelligence can be on par with me... I'm not discriminating, not criticizing but how do you expect me to get down to that level and understand his crappy way of communicating? Even his way of constructing sentences ticks me off so badly. what's the point of communication if your intention is to want people to understand you instead of making people understand you? There's this big difference between wanting people to understand you and making people understand you. The difference is that, it's either you want to stubbornly use shit ass method to speak and expect people to understand you or you speak something that everyone can simply understand you.
I don't know how much I've endured. Earlier, I would scold, and get into a heaty argument but now I just keep quiet. I guess this is the sign that I'm giving up. Ah yes, he hurt me mentally too. I can't accept that as well. I'm pretty sure I can't go long with this guy. It hurts me to leave but at the same time, I know I deserve better.
I think I'm seeing other men too, just like a slut :-) . There's this guy in class I would really want to date..... please be mine already. (we never talked and i'm expecting to have this guy to be mine. i'm terrible isnt it)
Few days ago, I saw him again. I was okay at that time but when I went home, I knew I wasn't okay. My heart is just that bitchy to me :-)
I shall end this post with an improper prayer,
I, as a child of God, thank everything that has been passed down from above to me. I've learned, I've grown and became a "better" person.
In the name of God, I pray that things would end up something that I want. Ease everything, take away my pain, and I'll follow Your guidance.
..........
